Big Brother design 'evil genius'

Designer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has described the new Big Brother house as "the seventh circle of Hell", adding the creator is "an evil genius".

The set - shown to the press ahead of Thursday's launch - was "a lot less well behaved" than previous years, the Changing Rooms host told the Guardian. "In fact," he added, "It�s a kind of frisky felon of a construction, an indestructible former Kaled of a building, an emotionless brick engine of extermination, hell bent on destroying human kind, koala bears and the entire planet�but in building form. This year's big brother house is a veritable child rapist of glass and metal, a transparent Hitler with cramped single beds buried in his anus pipe � Davros made house. I absolutely love it."

The house is dominated by glass and an "inside out" theme, with a carpeted garden, grass in the kitchen and a living representation of Professor Gunther von Hagens infamous Body Works exhibition camped out in the shitter.

"The Body Works boy is simply a slice of sinful pie with iniquity cream and foul berries," enthused pin-striped prat Bowen. "Just imagine trying to go to the toilet with those bleeding eyes piercing into your genitals."

The 'Body Works Boy' is the brain child of series producer Haughty Mere: "We wanted to personify the inside-out theme," Mere told the Times, "So we took a young runner called Andrew or something and pulled his entrails out through his nose cavity then pinned them to his body with a staple gun. The effect is quite breathtaking. The public won�t be able to get enough."

In a statement before his vocal chords were hauled out through his sinuses with a pair of snipe-nosed pliers, Andrew - real name Earnest Keen - described the opportunity to watch the contestants, first hand for 19 weeks, going through their daily toilet as "A dream come true," adding "One day I hope to be a researcher."

Meanwhile, the Sun says there will not be enough beds for all 12 contestants so they�ll have to have sex to survive. Dirty, dirty sex.

The newspaper claims there will be three double beds, one more than last year.

More twisted

Producers of Channel 4's reality show have promised Big Brother 7 will be "more twisted than ever" during its 13-week run.

They have deliberately included several glass walls and mirrors so contestants feel exposed and insecure while they are together.

Llewelyn-Bowen described the interior as resembling "glass-fronted, boudoir-inspired, flock-printed panic rooms".

The production team has also cleverly hidden a rapist under every bed.

Llewelyn-Bowen described the convicted criminals as "exquisite, absolutely beautiful, really refined, terribly elegant".

Overall, the look was "about wit and irony", he said, and people would be "enormously interested" in it.

A member of the public will be admitted to the house as a competition winner, along with 13 birds of prey (that will have been starved for seven days and will not be allowed out to hunt until the end of the series) and Harold Shipman.

The diary room, formerly a safe haven for distraught contestants, will be un-manned throughout the series. Instead, a computerized camera will simply record contestants 'diary entries' and play them back in their faces seconds later on a video monitor � distorting their image and voices in the process. Small electric shocks will pass through the contestant's bodies, increasing in power as the distorted voice rises in pitch.

"It's the zenith of design brilliance," said Llewellyn-Bowen � "Hell's Echo in a grandtastic satin and sycamore hall of mirrors. I'm actually wanking."

One hundred golden tickets have been hidden inside Kit Kat chocolate bars and the owner of one of them will become a housemate.