|Crisps And Snacks Banned
The Government today announced a total ban of the consumption of all crisps, nuts and snack foods in public areas. The legislation is due to be rushed through parliament, and is expected to come into effect in August 2009. John Cautious, the newly appointed Minister for Health, Nutrition and Patronising Laws, announced today that "in today's society, more and more people are choosing to eat high-fat junk foods with poor nutritional value. We believe that people should not be allowed to make choices unless they are good ones".
Heart disease, greasy thighs, obesity, high blood pressure, soft bones, and increased cholesterol are all on the increase. Top scientist Dan Petri reckons things could be very different if only people would eat things that are good for them: "They don't eat what's good for them, they eat things that are nice instead". The health laws have been pushed to the top of the Government's list of priorities after a girl was found to be 400% of her ideal weight, after having eaten nothing but crisps and lard since she was 6. Dan Petri told us that this is "not a healthy diet".
Ministers are faced with a set of choices as to how the ban should be implemented. The Government's ideal outcome would be a total ban of the consumption of snack-foods in any public area (including schools, workplaces, public houses and oil rigs), and a strict rationing system per household. At the other end of the scale is an option to allow the public consumption of 'baked not fried' products, but only in pubs which already serve food. Interestingly, the actual purchase of the snacks in question is unlikely to be made illegal.
Chemists have already started stocking 'salt n starch' patches to help people to kick the habit, but public opinion generally seems to be that the Government have gone too far. We asked some people in the steet, and the words 'nanny state', 'Big Brother', 'political correctness gone mad', and 'delicious crisps' were mentioned in almost every conversation. Roger Fringe, a member of the public, told us: "When I go to the pub, I like to have a packet of crisps with my pint and my fag. Who doesn't! Sometimes I'll have some pork scratchings. It's my choice, and I'm not hurting anybody. Now I'm going to be treated like a criminal!"
Publicans and newsagents are stocking up to 6 times their normal quantities of crisps and nuts, in preparation for the public stampede to consume as many snacks as they can before the ban comes into effect. We've already had reports of parents filling their childrens' school bags with Pringles and encouraging them to eat them at every possible opportunity. Parents' group KidLove told us: "This will show the Government that we are capable of making the right decisions for ourselves, and for our children."