Sibling Rivalry

'Hi there! I'm Iain Banks, the famous author. I've written all sorts of weird, gothic-y books like The Wasp Factory, The Bridge and all that. They're great - maybe you should check 'em out!'
'Oh, hello the noo... I'm Iain Banks' evil twin, Iain M. Banks. I despise my brother, and decided to do something completely different to distance myself from him - I write sort of weird, science fictiony books. I'm completely different to my stupid brother, Iain Banks.'
'Sigh... it's me, Iain Banks again (the proper one, not the stupid nerdy science-fiction one, oh God I HATE HIM!) I really wish our parents had been more imaginative in their naming schemes - you wouldn't believe how many times I, Iain Banks, have been confused with that twat, Iain M. Banks. Do you know what the M. stands for? It stands for Stupid!'
'Look at him there, with his stupid, squinting, bearded faece! I'm glad we're not identical twins!'
'I think it's a good job I don't still live with our parents, unlike HIM. He can't persuade anyone to live with him, because he likes science fiction and stays up all night on the internet, god he is an idiot. If he wasn't my brother, I'd almost definitely kill him, in some sort of weird, sick and deranged way, probably involving several confusing plot twists, and then I'd retell the story but keep shifting between the times I'm talking about, and add different characters and places, until everyone's confused and nobody's sure if it really was me who killed him. Or something.'
'Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP IAIN BANKS! Everyone knows I, Iain M. Banks, am the best Banks in the Banks family which, unfortunately, includes both me, clever and talented space-opera storyteller Iain M. Banks, and you, Iain Banks, who is a beardy little shit.'
'I hate my brother. I've got my bespectacled eye on him. But only the one.'
'Well I, Iain M. Banks, will also keep a bespectacled - yet ENTIRELY DIFFERENT - eye trained in his direction. Especially when he's on the toilet! Oh... no, he's my brother isn't he? I hate him so much...'