Letters Page, April 2005

Does anyone remember this?

Fuck me but did that thing used to freak me out


Dear Sir,

I am writing to complain about the use of the word 'factory' on television these days. Everyone can see that if you look back to the origins of the word it is an offensive, vile, and...oh. Oh, it appears I've made a terrible mistake. Sorry.

Yours sincerely,

Admiral R. Serifinackackawisz, Australian Army

* Admiral R. Serifinackackawisz wins five pouns - Ed

My wife silently laid a turd across my eyes as I lay sunbathing. After two or more minutes of punching her face, I was able to see the funny side.

P Daniels, Barbados

I ate egg. Egg good.

Russ 'Clams' McJohnson, Fife

The seventies, eh? What was all that about?!

G. Yashere, BBC Building


Richard Usher, Hull

What make sun go rouend?

Andrew Clam

* World go round sun. Also, we would like to make it clear that we do not publish letters which are sent to us without a full name and address. Therefore, we cannot consider your letter for publication, Andrew - Ed

Two years ago I broke into a burglars house and killed him and yet I was the one who got into trouble. This would never have happened in my day.

David Guy, Broadmoor Prison

My baals are huge. Huge baals. Is what I have.

Benedict XVI, The Vatican

A woman gave me two pee in the street. i do not know why, I am not a homeless. I am an artist. All homeless should be rounded up and shot. This is the title of my next art project, taking place on my country estate on the 29th of April.

Be part of the art! (homeless and beaters required, contact me on 07900 888 632)

Hempel Mendick, Waverley

Dear Sir,

I've just killed your wife.


D Q Llanfantytranfancypants

#Who, will buy, my eggs?
# Lovely, lovely, eggs

Egg-stall Worker, Market-town

This is a shout out to my fans. I love you all so much.

H Shipman, Ping Ping Maximum Security Jail

I invented spoag-magnet!

Alan Sugre, London

What is all this? Why does nothing make sense? I so frightened.

Michael Jackon, California




Love Robot 45b, Nottingham

Re: M. Jackson (What is all this? Why does nothing make sense? I so frightened.) My plan failed. Sorry.

Pope John Paul 2, The Moon


I would like to complain about the letter from one 'H Shipman, Ping Ping Maximum Security Jail'; clearly a bogus letter from someone pretending to be the late Dr Harold Shipman. I found this letter to be in the poorest of taste, and was deeply offended by it.

Dr Shipman was a great man, and deserves to be treated with more respect than your readership have thus far afforded him.


Mr R. Manspletz, Barry

Dear Sir

Could you lean back just a little? Thanks.


A Sniper, The roof opposite

What is favourite pie? I like pie with egg in.

Admiral Cusstrokken, Henly

What is all this fuss about black people. I can't see any black people. Anyway, they are brown.

Enid Blyton, Higher Dimensions

Because he was late for work!

The Joke Robot


I found this crisp that looks a bit like Alfred Hitchcock.

J. Puslips, Kent

J. Puslips wins the chance to go bowling with Dr Fox. - Ed


I wonder if any of your other readers have noticed a worrying rise in the number of small, angry fish in recent months? Increasingly, I find that I cannot leave my house for work in the morning without fear of piscine reprisals.


M. Mickelthwaddle, Bucks.


Whilst listening to Gardener's Question Time the other day, I became aware of a powerful stirring in my manly parts.


B. Mandible, Kent

Dear Sir,

Why does Points Of View contain so many swears these days?

Michael J. Barrington-Smythe

Dear Legal Monthly

I have question. Is it illegal to kill old women?

If it isn't, I think I may know a way to free Harold Shipman

Yours sincerely,

David Guy, Essex


The other day, my 4 year old grandson came running up to me, shouting "Grandma! Grandma! You stink of shit!"

Kids really do say the funniest things sometimes!


Valerie Tanktop, Milm-on-the-Choad

To answer the question of S. Baestufter, 8/04/2005,

My favourite colour is puce, and no, I'm afraid I only do 'that' whilst hunting pigeons.

Mr F. Mubagor, Texis

Dear Sirs,

While walking through the park last week I came across a large lake, set in an attractive wooded glade. Children were playing and laughing, while young couples walked around, arm in arm, enjoying the mid-afternoon sun.

This scene upset me greatly, as I live on my own and have no companionship or happiness in my life. So I screamed, wailed, and ran amok, pushing the children into the lake (I think at least 2 of them drowned!) and stabbing arbitrary people with my small pocket knife.

My question is: do you think I over-reacted? Some of the people affected may very well be part of your readership, so I would be interested to hear their reactions to my antics!


Eddie Vedder, Scotland

Sir. Sir!

Come on, Sir, I've my hand up for ages.

Jimmy 'Spack' Smith, Middle Row, Class 3B