Letters Page, June 2005

Why do bad things happen to bad people?

B. Vox, Ireland

Please help. I can't find my way out. All I can see is blood

B. Clamhusk, 3rd Spasiastic Nebulae, The BELMIVERSE

Tom just ejaculated onto a caccus.

Tom Baker, TARDIS

Tom just pushed Adric into the Sun Room. The last thing Tom saw was Adric tumbling gently away into the vacuum, towards one of Tom's many suns. Then Tom closed the door.

Tom Baker, TARDIS

Tom has just spent an hour in the Wardrobe Room. Tom tried on bras, an Elizabethan suit, and several skin-tight leotards.

Tom Baker, TARDIS

Tom Bakre has got an arse the size of an acre.

Colin Baker, RETARDIS

Tom's putting egg in now

Tom Baker, TARDIS, 6:07 PM

egg was delicious

Tom Baker, TARDIS, 6:13 PM

Tom's going to bed now

Tom Baker, TARDIS, 6:14 PM

Shut up, Tom. No one cares

Russell T. Davies, Cardiff

I care

Sylvester McCoy, Morgue

Dear Sir,

I thought about writing something clever and funny like I used to, but I've decided just to be fucking shocking instead.

C. Morris, Channel 4 Building

* Mr Morris wins a crisp fiver, and a licence to not make anything good again ever - Ed

I was walking down the street
With my lovely little feet
When I came across a man
Leaning camply on a van

He opened his tight mouth
So his chin was headed south
As I started to reply
I let out a breathy sigh

I waited for a bit
Then I bit him on the tit
When I tasted blood I grinned
Then he kicked me on the shins

As I fell onto the floor
I was sure I heard him swore
Then he minced on down the road
Like a dainty lady toad

I lay there for a while
In a faintly homo style
When my shins began to heal
I started barking like a seal

Then I put back on my slacks
And waited camply by the tracks
Then I minced back up the street
On my dainty little feet

Peter Mandelson, Auschwitz

I've just had some surgery. What do other readers think?

Rourke, Malibu Beach

To Rourke,

My surgery is superior, observe:

P. Anderson, California

My surgery best of all!

Michael Jackson, Frightening Ranch

You people disgust and appal me. People like you should be strung up by genitals and thrashed with a bullwhip to stop you raping the minds and trousers of our innocent youth. It's like a plague, a plague of depraved sexuality and slick hair and effeminate prancing. You people are SICK. I say, put them all in a giant sack and give them a proper drubbing. I'm going to polish my knobbly stick.

Richard Littlejohn, Castle on Sun


I regret to inform you that your entire family was wiped out by a blaze.

Your sincerely,

Chissock Greenham, Chief Firefighter.

Dear Sir/Madame,

I wish to write you a letter. To that end, please tell me whether you are a sir or a madame.

Yours gratefully,

Col. Alfred P. Renegade

Dear Sir,

You are not Rodriguez.

I am Rodriguez.