Living Dole - a new sitcom coming soon on BBC3


SPENCER AVERAGE is having a pint in his LOCAL, with his flatmate JOHN LAD and his friend CURTIS (who is a SIMPLETON)

SPENCER: Yeah, so I have to work on Saturday - my editor at the paper says its likely to be an all-nighter as well!

CURTIS (Swigs his beer): What a cunt! What is it you're working on?

SPENCER: Just my weekly sports column for the paper.

CURTIS: Oh, of course I bet you're really happy to have found a job doing what you love.

SPENCER: Yes. I moan, but its the best job I could ever hope to have.

JOHN: Ha you sucker! You should be on the dole - like me and Curtis are. Its the easy life!

CURTIS: Yes. With my special benefits, Im raking it in!

JOHN: Benny-fits, more like! HAHAHA!

CURTIS: Oh, you dickhead!

CURTIS and JOHN pummel each other affectionately

SPENCER: Hahaha. Thats great for you guys, but I just love being a working guy. My job gives me so much satisfaction, I just couldn't live without it! Well, that and Sheryl, my girlfriend, that is.

JOHN: Pfft - under the thumb.


SPENCER: You may mock, but I love my life, guys!

SPENCER's mobile rings

SPENCER: Hello? Oh, hi boss. What? No, of course I didn't leak our Dwayne Hooney exclusive to the Mirror! WHAT!? Why would I? Well fuck your job then! You can't fire me - I quit!

SPENCER hangs up abruptly

CURTIS: Who was that, SPENCER?

SPENCER: It was my editor at the newspaper.

JOHN: What did he want?

SPENCER: He says I leaked our exclusive about Dwayne Hooney to the Mirror. He's fired me!


SPENCER: I can't believe this. What the hell's going on with that?!! I'm going to ring my girlfriend, Sheryl she always knows what to do in a crisis.

As SPENCER picks up his phone, it starts to RING.

SPENCER: Oh she's ringing me! She's amazing like that - its like there's this psychic bond between us, and she knows when I need her. Hello darling. You won't fucking believe whats happened toda- Whats' that, my love? WHAT? With my best friend from high school, Terry? NO! You're eloping to Belgium right now?? Well fuck you too, you cow!

SPENCER hangs up abruptly again

JOHN: Is she going to come over and comfort you, man?

SPENCER: No. [pause] Shes left me!


SPENCER: For my best friend from high school!

JOHN: Not Terry!

SPENCER: Yes Terry! They've eloped to Belgium.

JOHN: Fuck, mate thats rough.

SPENCER: I can't believe this ten minutes ago, my worst problem was that I had to work on a Saturday now Ive lost my job and my girlfriend!

CURTIS: Still at least you've still got your job, Spencer.

JOHN: Oh Curtis, you walloping pillock! Hey - looks like you're one of us doleites, now, Spencer

Zoom on SPENCER's aghast FACE

SPENCER: Mama mia!


SPENCER and SHERYL are in a restuarant, trying to make up with each other. A waiter approaches

SHERYL: I'll have a bottle of the house white wine, please

SPENCER buries his head in his hands

SHERYL: What's wrong, Spencer?

SPENCER: The house white wine? THE HOUSE WHITE WINE! Mother was right about you

SHERYL: What? What did she say?

SPENCER: You disgust her. Remember that Christmas you stayed and you drank her champagne from a coffee mug? She still hasn't forgotten


SPENCER: You... its just that you're so working class?


The waiter reappears with the wine

WAITER: Would you like to order now, madam?

SHERYL: I'll have chips

SPENCER begins to cry. Audience laughs

SPENCER and SHERYL are in bed

SHERYL: Whats that?

SHERYL points down the bed, off camera, in the sort of area that SPENCER's penis might be


SHERYL: That! It looks disgusting.

SPENCER: Its not disgusting

SHERYL: And whats all the brown stuff on it

SPENCER: Chocolate

SHERYL: Yeah, right

SPENCER: It is chocolate

SHERYL: I can't believe how disgusting you are

SHERYL gets out of bed. The camera pans out, and we can see that they were talkint about SPENCER's funion, which is on the duvet in the middle of the bed.

SPENCER picks up the funion and takes a bite. Chocolate smears around his mouth

SPENCER comes home from work. There is a tramp in a nest in the corner of the living room

Close up on the tramp for 30 minutes, as he busies himself in his nest, making himself comfortable

SPENCER returns to his flat, which is above a KEBAB SHOP, named 'SHEESH, KEBAB!'. The OWNER of the KEBAB SHOP, and also SPENCER'S LANDLORD, MUSTAFAH HAM, who always wears a greasy apron, no matter the occasion, beckons SPENCER

MUSTAFAH: Spensaahh - where's your rent this month, son, innit?

SPENCER: Yeah, about that - I can't afford it.

MUSTAFAH: Spensaahh you cahnt - I no let you live free in my luxury new-build apartment!

SPENCER: 'New-build'?? The only thing in that flea-pit that's new is the lifeforms emerging from the ooze beneath that leaky tap!

MUSTAFAH: 'Urban character', Spensah.

SPENCER: Oh yeah?? What about the paper-thin walls - I can hear that South African couple at it at all hours!

MUSTAFAH: Is like free Television Fantasy X - see what I do for you?? So anyway, Spensah - where is rent??

SPENCER: I'll have it for you within a week!

MUSTAFAH: You'd better, Spensah - or I call in the Bailey's.

SPENCER: Bailiff's, Mustafah.

MUSTAFAH: Them too.

SPENCER sneaks off when MUSTAFAH gets distracted by some YOUTHS

MUSTAFAH: Hey - keep your fingers out my garlic sauce you caaaaahnts!!

Character profiles

SPENCER (played by that big hideous acromegliac from My Family and the BT internet adverts): Spencer is posh. Also he has a job, and a girlfriend (SHERYL)

SHERYL (played by Catherine Tate, dressed as a schoolgirl): Sheryl is working class. Also she is unemployed, and a hairdresser. She has a boyfriend (SPENCER)

CURTIS (played by a rotating cast of bastards taken exclusively from WKD adverts): Despite his middleclass name, Curtis is actually working class. We know this because he wears a football shirt. Also he is unemployed. Doesn't have a girlfriend but has a slightly homoerotic relationship with his flatmate (JOHN)

JOHN (played by that cretin who replaced Ben Chaplin in Game On): John has a massive penis

The TRAMP (played by Vin Diesel): The Tramp can not speak human words. He lives in a nest, in the living room. Also, in a very funny joke, it will be revealed in a flashback that he used to be a lawyer, and was well dressed and well spoken

MUSTAFAH (played by Omid Djalili): Mustafah has a moustache, and wears a grease stained apron, even when Spencer sees him in situations in which it would be inappropriate to wear an apron.

SPENCER is on a train, talking to SHERYL

SPENCER: I love Thatcher. Just think, if it wasn't for Margaret Thatcher, this train wouldn't even work. Socialism just doesn't work. Socialist trains especially don't work

SHERYL: Wasn't it John Major who privatised British Rail?

SPENCER slaps SHERYL across the face


Scene: Outside at night it is raining. SPENCER and JOHN are walking together down the street. CURTIS is lagging behind picking at some chips.

SPENCER: It's not as though I really loved her.

JOHN: Yes.

SPENCER: I was thinking of finishing with her anyway.

JOHN: Right.

SPENCER: Plus she was crap in bed.

JOHN: So why have you been crying about her non stop for the last three weeks?

CURTIS is abducted by an alien spaceship. The others do not notice and continue walking in silence. JOHN glances behind.

JOHN: Where's Curtis?

SPENCER: He must've got a taxi without telling us. The bastard.

SPENCER: Q. What is the best thing about Kill Bill?

SHERYL: I didn't understand Kill Bill

SPENCER: A. Kill Bill's melted face. Also that bit where Kill Bill kills a black man (not shown)

SHERYL: Why didn't any of those Japanese people have guns?

SPENCER: Q. Why is Kill Bill's brother, Kill Budd, so fat?

SHERYL: Also, how come Uma Thurman didn't die when she was shot in the head?

SPENCER: A. He was played by Michael Madsen

SHERYL: It just didn't make any sense

SPENCER is in the job centre.

JOB CENTRE EMPLOYEE: So what have you been doing to look for a job this week, Spencer?


SPENCER pulls out a large carving knife and repeatedly stabs the employee until they are dead. He then hacks off the head and runs out of the job centre slashing at people wildly. He runs trough the shopping centre until he meets SHERYL and which point he throws the severed head at her feet while screaming.

Cut to SPENCER waking up in bed - It was all a dream.

Later, SPENCER is in the job centre. It is exactly the same as earlier

JOB CENTRE EMPLOYEE: So what have you been doing to look for a job this week, Spencer?

Close up on SPENCER's worried face. He looks down at his hands, and notices they are pulling something out of a bag.


SPENCER pulls out a funion (audience laughs)

Then the JOB CENTRE EMPLOYEE has SPENCER's benefits cut off.

Int. SPENCER's flat.

SPENCER is curled up in a ball sobbing.

Cut To Ad Break.

SPENCER goes to a the pub, and meets WIL WHEATON, for some reason

SPENCER taps WIL WHEATON on the shoulder


The screen begins to flicker, close up on SPENCER's mouth. LOUD SCREAMING NOISES. quick cuts: SPENCER stumbling around, blood dripping from mouth, noise, eyes; Hilter; SHERYL's hacked up body; a penis (circumcised - possibly DAVID BOWIE's); cuddlebuttocks drinking Tizer, SPENCER's eye, bleeding; dead tramp in nest, filled with blood; SPENCER lying on the floor; a child being laughed at by grown ups. Then finally a black screen. The scream finally reaches a pitch that causes your tv to explode

SPENCER has a vegetable instead of a mouth. He begins to scream

SPENCER returns to his FLAT from the JOB CENTRE. He opens the door and finds no less than 17 lifesize cardboard cut-outs of a grinning DALE WINTON,

SPENCER: What the....

[JOHN emerges from behind one of them.]

JOHN: Spencer, maaate!

SPENCER: What's all this stuff doing here???

JOHN: Yeeaaahhh..... Well...We've got the answer to all of your problems. Cos you an't pay your rent, and we can't pay ours, but together....

SPENCER: Oh no....No way!

JOHN: Just for now, mate....Until the business takes off....

SPENCER: ONE WEEK. And one week only.

JOHN: Yesss! Party times, Spence - you won't regret it!

SPENCER: Hmmm..... Where's Curtis, then? He hasn't been abducted by aliens again, has he? [pause for audience laughter at in-joke]

JOHN: He's in the bedroom. Behind David Hasselhof.

SPENCER: What THE.....!

SPENCER goes into THE BEDROOM. It contains twice as many Hasselhofs as the LIVING ROOM contained Wintons. CURTIS emerges from behind one of them, wearing a pair of RED SWIMMING TRUNKS and a WHISTLE.

CURTIS: Alright, Spencer.

SPENCER: Mamma mia!

The PHONE rings.

SPENCER: Hello, Spencer's Mad House, Bozo the Clown speaking.

[Loud warble from the other end of the line.]

SPENCER: Calm down, Sheryl! So you're late - just get a taxi!

[Louder, more antagonised warble.]

SPENCER: Oh. ...And it's definitely mine, is it?

[Loud screech from the other end of the line, causing Spencer to hold the phone away from his ear and wince]

SPENCER: Yes, then. Well, I can't really chat about it right now, I've got the lads over. Shall we meet at The Duke's Arms tomorrow? .... Great! Bye!!!

[He hangs up.]

[CURTIS has now been joined by JOHN]

JOHN: Who was that then?

SPENCER [shellshocked]: Sheryl.

CURTIS: What did THAT bitch want?

SPENCER: She's....she's pregnant!


SPENCER: And she wants to move in too!!

ALL [looking to camera]: MAMMA MIA!

SHERYL gives birth to a baby. It is black, and wearing an apron


CURTIS: Hey - look who we met in the pub!

[SCREECH from Saved the Bell enters from STAGE LEFT]

SCREECH: Oh Mr Belding!!

SHERYL: But it IS your baby

SPENCER: Don't be ridiculous, I'm posh, not black. I went to Eton

SHERYL: But you ARE black?


SHERYL: DO you really think a working class blond girl like me, a hairdresser for chrissakes, would go out with a posh white man?


SHERYL shows him a mirror. In the reflection, SPENCER is black. Cut back to white SPENCER.

SPENCER: What? I don't understand any of this

SPENCER takes a bite of a banana

SPENCER is in the bathroom, frantically scrubbing his face after learning he is a black.

SPENCER: Must... puuuuuurge

SPENCER glances into the water and sees his black face staring back. He smashes the water with his mighty fists.

[JOHN enters, wearing a cheap ladies wig and a lot of garish makeup.]

JOHN [in shrill lady voice]: This time next year, Spencer - we'll be millionaires!

[SPENCER falls through the bar.]

GERMAN TOURIST: SO vot is your name?

SPENCER: Don't tell him, Curtis!

JOHN [Still dressed as a woman]: ...And THAT was when I realised I was a self-hating lesbian trapped in the body of a disgusting, repulsive fat man.

Curtis wakes up, groans a bit, feels his head. Looks at the lump in the bed next to him. Sighs contentedly.

John pops his head up from the sheets.

John: Morning!


John: Ha! That's exactly what you said last night as well, when I pushed it all the way in. Remember?

Curtis: *gibber*

John: Don't worry, me old chum. It'll all soon come flooding back.

John goes back under the covers. Curtis goes cross-eyed.

Curtis: Ooh! yes, i remember now. mmmmmmmm

On the third barge, MUSTAFAH manages to break down the door. SPENCER is lying on the floor, covered in shit.

MUSTAFAH: Spencer you caaahnt! Why you do this to me!

SPENCER is in a loud club of gays, looking disorientated

SPENCER: Hi, I booked a table in the name of Average? I'm supposed to be meeting my girlfriend here! FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER

GAY [ironically played by David Walliams]: Ooh! This one isn't shy!

SPENCER is watching football on TV

SPENCER: God I love watching football on SKY SPORTS

Caption: Premiership football from only 17.99 a month, exclusive to SKY SPORTS

SPENCER: Who's that?

SHERYL: Its our new flatmate, SIMON GAY

SIMON: You could say I just shut that door!

Simon shuts the door

SHERYL: Spencer, why don't you like Simon?

SPENCER: Don't you find him annoying?


SPENCER starts to throttle SHERYL

FREYJA: ...and that was the first draft of this intentionally awful sitcom I wrote

RICK: That was brilliant. So ironicly terrible! Imagine a prole liking that sort of thing, and guffawing through his stupid snout

RICK and FREYJA turn around and look at DAVID

DAVID: HAHHAHAHA. OH GOD. This is the funniest thing I've ever read. EVER. Its all so brilliant. Especially the bit with the funions. FUNIONS! Like a funny onion! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

FREYJA and RICK look into the camera: MAMMA MIA!