Lord Geldof Speaks

I am Lord Geldof! The uncharitable will tremble before me.

Electronic charity enforcement bands a risk to human rights, claim campaigners

Lord Geldof�s anti-poverty wristbands have been a popular move so far. However, the press launch today for electronic �charity enforcement� neck bands - or collars - has been recieved with suspicion by human rights campaigners. Geldof claims that the �fashionable and stylish� new accessories will help to encourage a �positive attitude to giving� in the nation�s youth. However, critics argue that the neck band - which cannot be removed once activated and delivers a sharp electric shock whenever it detects an uncharitable thought - is a direction violation of personal freedom.

The collars also feature a small black cube that corresponds with the top of the spine when worn. Lord Geldof has promised that the boxes need not be a cause for alarm as they are a �harmless result of the union-supported manufacturing process�, although he does warn that they should never be tampered with under any circumstances, as this will invalidate the warrantee and may result in serious injury.

The charity neck bands go on sale Monday in Sainsburys and HMV stores, priced �14.99 (0.5% of the price will be donated to charity)

(The Guardian, 8th June, 2005)

I, Lord Geldof, declare that despite what the British Government may say, the good people of the United Kingdom will MARCH to Africa, and eradicate all their debt!
Lord Geldof, surely you can't be suggesting that everyone should walk to Africa?
Of course not! We shall MARCH! Well, I won't, I'll fly there in my plane. But you will march!
But, but what about the ocean... won't everyone drown?
Then they will drown for charity!

Lord Geldof to build giant �charity cannon�

�My new cannon will be massive and blow up all the debt� announced Lord Geldof from atop his plinth last night. �So, this so-called David McPipehelm wants to build a super cannon. Let him. My cannon will be bigger and more charitable.�

After the drowning of several hundred of his supporters (�entirely of their own volition�, maintains Geldof) on an ill-fated March to Africa, the ex-singer or whatever has decided to combat poverty with a direct long-range attack.

He is already asking the public to gather together all items of value and leave them at collection points in every town nationwide. From there the items will be taken by off-duty milk delivery operatives and loaded into the 5-mile high cannon (which will be the second biggest in Europe), and fired directly at Africa. The barrage will simultaneously destroy vast swathes of the landscape and cover it with wealth, therefore making it ripe for redevelopment.

(The Daily Telegraph, June 12th, 2005)

Minions, I am the Lord Geldof! Today I heard tell of some girl called Claire saying that Live8 was just the same old tired acts from Live Aid years before. She must be stopped! If you know anyone called Claire, or anyone who you think might have listened to something that was said by someone called Claire, kill them at once!

Economy on brink of collapse as Lord Geldof fires entire nation�s wealth into sun

BREAKING NEWS: Lord Geldof has fired the entire nation�s physical assets directly into the sun.

An immediate investigation into the aiming of the cannon is already underway, as new reports suggest that Geldof was seen waving his arms around and laughing as he launched the missile. It is not yet known whether he will be liable for prosecution.

(BBC News, June 18th, 2005)