A partial archive of things that we sent out as emails in our mailing list
over the years when we were trying to alert people to the fact that goaste had been updated

a terrifying collection of jokes, scripts, dreams and despair

(please note that most of the really shit ones have been left out, but some still remain, for historical reasons)

date: Mon, Apr 25, 2005 at 9:12 AM
subject: Dear Sir or Madam

Recently while perusing the internet I came across possibly the most depraved site ever created. Appalled by this I took solace in https://goaste.cx, and have since regained my composure.

Yours sincerely,

David McPipehelm (deceased)

from: Tommy Cockles
date: Sun, Jun 5, 2005 at 5:03 PM
subject: When I was little, my father was famous, he was the greatest samurai in the empire

I once saw an episode of the A-Team where the bad guys cloned BA, but changed the clone a bit so that he was a tweed-wearing, white english gentleman in his forties called E.A. Carruthers who nearly killed BA in a fight by correcting his grammar and sentence structure at every opportunity.

BA: Ah'mna mess you up good, fo'! Hmmmmn!

Carruthers: (twirls moustache) I think you meant to say, 'I surely intend to give you a frightful drubbing, you bounder! Have at you!' Hmm?

BA: (drops to his knees clutching head) Hrrrmn! Urnngh...Nrrrnmmm...mmm

Carruthers: (does victory groin-thrusting jig)

It was the best thing I have ever seen, except for goaste

from:: The Chortle Hound
date: Sun, Jul 3, 2005 at 8:58 PM
subject: You get rubbish in the forest

You get rubbish in the forest.

Carrier bags waving from the trees. Crisp packets winking from the shrubs. Reels of tape spooled between the long weeds like the shiny lost litter of Theseus.

You get rubbish in the forest.

You often find jowls in the forest. They grow them there, and when ripe they are implanted in the grey-faced village folk.

"Put down your pitchfork, pitchfolk, I will implant these jowls in your meagre face", they say, before showing them goaste to help to send them to sleep.

from: David
date: Fri, Aug 5, 2005 at 9:55 PM
subject: Mexan hat is best

Goaste is now brought to you in association with the SOCIEDAD DEL APRECIO DEL MEXAN HAT, the world society dedicated to the promotion and preservation of Mexan hats.

We would like to reassure our readers that this will in no way alter goaste's fiercely independent output.

from: David
date: Sun, Aug 14, 2005 at 5:39 PM
subject :Mexan hats are banished

After a long and bloody struggle, we have prevailed against the tyranny of the Sociedad del Aprecio del Mexan Hat. Goaste is now mexan hat free. Hurrah!

from: The Chortle Hound
date: Mon, Aug 22, 2005 at 9:27 PM
subject: Questions

It's difficult to speak in this matchbox.


I don't know how I got so small.

I must have just grown here.


What am I?

What is this?

from: Daniel
date: Thu, Sep 29, 2005 at 6:52 PM
subject: I saw a thing on the internet once

I saw a thing on "the internet", once, where a man injected saline solution into his baals, and made them real big. He would say things like "I love it when I walk into a meeting, and everyone is looking at my huge baals". It was probably the most erotic thing I have ever seen

from: The Chortle Hound
date: Wed, Nov 30, 2005 at 9:14 PM
subject: The adventures of Future Poirot

Poirot smooths down his moustache, nervously adjusts his space suit, and jets off across the void in search of the truth

His only companion in the lonely fight against space crime is an 80ft Octopus creature from Europa called 'Hastings'

Sadly, Hastings grew up in a small tank in a mostly residential area. He grew and grew until he filled the whole house and now cannot leave

His shiny octopus beak fills and protrudes through the back door, only opening on rare occasions to collect rain water and to emit a plaintive shrieking wail

He is blind and limp-tentricled

Poirot uses Hasting for sexxus as he cannot defend

Hastings lies about having exciting adventures but then weeps and weeps

Future Poirot uses Hastings sticky suckers to affix a plethora of different sized mirrors, and then shoots him in the face until Hastings picks him up in a loose curling grip

Future Poirot is subjected to a hundred reflections of himself and disappers into the future with a pop

Hastings slumps wearily and begs for kill

Poirot comes back and forces mud into Hastings beak and then returns to future

Poirot comes back and kicks Hastings in the beak and then returns to future

Future Poirot buzzes Hastings in a bi-plane before vanishing in laughter

Future Poirot finds taunting Hastings infinitely more satisfying that solving stupid croimes

from: Daniel
date: Wed, Dec 7, 2005 at 4:18 PM
subject: Biology

One of the most haunting things I've ever seen was a book on human development. It showed babies in the womb at various stages of gestation. At first, they have no special-bits between their legs - just little undifferentiated lumps. But then the lump turns into a hole. In boys, a little bit at the top end of the hole grows outwards and starts to form a tube. It is gross. But the worst thing is the stage where the hole joins up to make a scrotum. Maybe I'm not getting across just how gross it was, but it was gross. Also: You can see evidence of the tube and sac formation in adult males. Any adult males reading this should have a look next time they're in the bath, or something.

I imagine that some people really are born with lady penises, with sexual differentiation being halted in the scrotum-formation stage for some reason.

from: David
date: Sat, Jan 21, 2006 at 4:45 PM
subject: I had to sign on yesterday

i have to sign on tomorrow

the last time i signed on, two weeks ago, i walked in and sat down and waited. the man in the seat opposite me was asleep. i waited. stared about a bit. waited. waited. the man was still asleep. some people came in. left. i waited. the man slept. the ceiling fascinated me for a few moments. a woman approached, asked me my name. she did not want me. she approached the sleeping man. he slept on. she looked at his book, saw that he was who she wanted, tried to wake him. and failed. she looked at me, and i laughed. i felt like sleeping myself. felt like crying, too. she tried to wake him again. failed, again. more people came over. the staff were chuckling, trying to wake the sleeping man, but he resisted, like some anarchist hero refusing to bow to the fascist bureaucracy trying to grind him down, make him conform. panic set in among the staff, fearing a man had died through boredom right in front of them. i watched still, forgotten, seemingly by all. an ambulance was called. people were moved around. no one spoke to me. a woman stood by the sleeping man, guarding him, lest he suddenly become animated and destroy the office. and then salvation. my name was called. i signed. left. the ambulance pulled up as i walked down the steps, the paramedic ambling passed me, unhurried.

it was dark already

from Raz
date: Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 9:28 PM
subject: Hss. Hssssssssssssssssss!

No crow is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must crow wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting too much crow
for far too long.
Looking back I could have bummed crow differently
Won a few more crowments
who can tell?
But it took time to understand the crow
Now at least I know I know crow well

Wasn't crow good?

Crow so good

Wasn't crow fine?

Crow so fine

Isn't it madness

Crow can't be miiiiine?

But in the end crow needs
A little bit more than me --
Moooooooore securcrowty

He needs his fantasy
And freedom

I bum crow so weeeeeeeeeeeeell


from: David
date: Mon, Feb 6, 2006 at 11:52 PM
subject: Andromeda approaches

And we wait.

We dont stop, though. We still travel from system to system and see whatever there is to see. But were still waiting. Just using up the time until the arrival. The collision.

We choose our next destination, somewhere suitably far away. The moment before we collapse, before we become light, stretches to infinity. And then a hundred thousand years will pass in an instant, and well be wherever we want to be.

And we wait. The whole galaxy waits. Only a few hundred million years to go now.

from: Jonesy
date: Fri, Feb 10, 2006 at 8:09 PM
subject: A worry

There is such a thing as a bisexual. The other day when I was sticking it to my lady, her brother sneaked up behind me and pushed a buttery finger into my exit lane. I'm worried I've caught bisexualism but I'm afraid to go to the hospital in case I get a male Doctor and end up doing a little squirt on his rubber gloves when he examines me. I'm scared I will develop full blown gay and start playing rugby and knowing the words to South Pacific or something. I asked the chemist if there was an over the counter cure for bisexualism but then I winked at him and said "you know, like you're pretending to arrest me." It's difficult to run away with a mighty great oliver hardy in your wranglers. I don't know how gayboys manage, I really don't.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Wed, Feb 15, 2006 at 9:26 PM
subject: Work

I used to work in a little pub out in the countryside. It was some tiny little farmhouse, hundreds of years old, and all the ceilings and doorways were really low. I couldn't even stand up straight, but everybody else who worked there, and all the customers - all three of them - were all really short and didn't seem to notice how small the place was. I used to bang my head on the doorframe every time I had to go into the kitchen, and they'd all laugh and laugh and laugh. One time I smashed my head open and bled all over the plate of food I was carrying. They didn't give me a tip

I left soon after

And my head is still a mass of scars

from: Daren
date: Fri, Mar 10, 2006 at 2:04 PM
subject: Childhood

I remember skipping blindly to the sounds of my aunt trudy whistling the tune to Dixie, while the dogs played kiss-chase with the cats and the turtles had a shooting competition to see who could ejac furthest

from: Raz
date: Mon, Mar 13, 2006 at 9:51 PM
subject: Stolen dreams

Last night I dreamt I was in a show on Channel 5 where I was magician, a bit like Jonathan Creek, bit knowing real magic, wearing silk shirt and waistcoat, and the only two magics I could do were: Palpatine-style lightning from hands, and flying. So in each episode I would fight a thing, but inevitably I would just have to lightning it to death, usually for a few minutes, at which point I would get enraged, and the lightning would become super-powerful. This is how I killed a ghost knight at Tintagel, who made the beach turn to lava. I tried to do the same to a Chucky-style doll possessed by the spirit of a drowned girl, which lived in a stagnant pond, but it was resistant to the energy, and because it kept taunting me I got so angry that I bit off part of its face. Eventually we came to a truce, and I took it to live in a secluded pond in an overgrown garden. However, in Episode 3 it turned out that the garden was owned by a werewolf, which I had to go and lightning, and then the doll turned evil again, and I had to lightning it again.

The series never got broadcast, which I was a bit annoyed about, but still pleased with my achievement, until someone told me the programme was 'shit' towards the end of the dream. I forced him to go and look at goaste, to see what shit really was

from: David
date: Sat, Apr 1, 2006 at 2:41 PM
subject: Clackson move!

I am going to write a science fiction novel. In the novel every single person is called Clackson and the only words they can say are "Clackson move!" when they move or want someone else to move

The novel will be called "Clackson move!"

Here is sneak preview of the novel


Clackson entered quietly, whispering "clackson move!" almost inaudibly under his breath, so as not to wake Clackson from her slumber. He reached forward slowly, and his whispering slowed, too, losing almost all sense of meaning as the syllables stretched away to infinity.

" Clllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Cllllllllllllllll lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo-"

He stopped abruptly, freezing in terror. In front of him, Clackson started to wake, her eyelids fluttering, her blackholes perfectly mimicing eyeballs in the dark.

"CLACKSON MOVE!" she screamed, as she recoiled in terror from Clacksons misshapen form towering above her.

from: David
date: Mon, Apr 10, 2006 at 4:46 PM
subject: I was running away from Jesus when I met her

and we fell in love, instantly. I leaned forward to kiss her, and closed my eyes, wanting the moment to last forever

Our lips never touched, the explosion knocking me to the floor, sending her upwards, upwards, her broomstick almost out of control.

I turned round, and stared into the terrible face of Jesus. His eyes glowed, his lasers ready to melt me away.

And then his face changed. A look of shock, of impotent anger. I realised he was receding. I was rising away, her hand hold me, pulling me up to her broomstick as we flew away towards the sun. All I could think of was the kiss that was to come

from: David
date: Thu, Apr 27, 2006 at 8:52 PM
subject: Davros was right

davros was right. right about everything. at first i doubted him, questioned him, abandoned him to ridicule and disgust, but slowly i came to realise his wisdom, his compassion. i overcame my inital revulsion, began to see the beauty in his mind.

but now hes gone. and i am all alone, with nothing but memories and regrets.

sometimes i catch myself reaching out to touch the side of a car with my hand before i remember where i am, the feel of my flesh on metal a forbidden pleasure, a fleeting moment of desire followed by hours of loathing, of disgust.

if i knew where he had gone i would follow. the tears in my eyes would not hamper my progress.

from: Jonesy
date: Mon, May 8, 2006 at 5:35 PM
subject: Doctor Who and the Cybermen

A cyberman/steroids episode set in the 2012 Olympic Games in which an English athlete, a teenage prodigy driven by a pushy parent, got gold in the 400 meter Happy Slapping but was disqualified when it was revealed that he had hugely advanced cybernetic implants, and that was the only way he could win. It would probably end with the cyberboy dying but just managing to force his gold medal into the respiratory unit of a cyberman (destroying the father figure) while Ken Livingstone looked on smugly then turned to Davros and said, "You see, Hawking, that is why English are best in the universe; not the Daleks, not the Jews, the English."

Then Tennant would pole vault over the dome using one of his huge pop out eye stalks, to buy an antidote made from jellied eels and liquor for poisoned Piper and the whole of England, who had caught some horrible futuristic East End marketing bug, transmitted into their brains through their mobile phonyvisions. Tennant would administer the antidote and say "Doctor's orders!" or something like that. And the Head of Boe would appear in Bow, just because, you know, why waste the opportunity?

from: Wayne
date: Sun, May 21, 2006 at 11:43 PM
subject: A thought

Imagine if you had a clock inside of your head and would die if the hands stopped turning. One day the battery might stop and you would have to take the top of your head off and keep the handles going around by pushing them with your fingers

from: Rosy
date: Tue, Jun 13, 2006 at 9:36 AM
subject: A JOKE

There was a man who worked in a mortuary.
He went to the chief mortician and said "Why has the dead lady got a prawn between her legs?".
The chief mortician said "That is her tuppence".
The man replied "But it tasted like a prawn".
To which the chief mortician retorted, "OOWWAAAHHH! Are you trying to make me mad?" and died of a brain toomer on Sixth Feet Under.

date: Wed, Jun 21, 2006 at 2:25 PM
subject: A horrifying tale of heroism and incompetence

One of my cats caught a bird, earlier, and then dropped it at my feet. This cat is kind, clearly, and not as evil as the other ones, milling around, all trying to get a go at ripping the birds wings off. I took the terrified little creature into mine hand, and stood there, pondering how to save it, as its parents screamed and screamed in the tree above me, and more cats started to mass by my feet. Even the impressively evil cat from across the street appeared, and stared and stared.

What to do? I knew not. After staring at the sky for an hour or so, the birds trembling little heart slowly calming down, I moved into action. I took him upstairs, into a room overlooking the downstairs roof, and placed the bird on the window ledge, and opened the window wide. I fetched it a plate of water, and then some bird food from next doors bird table. He looked at me, then, the little bird, turned towards the open window, and leaped. And then fell, rolled down the roof, and fell to its death on the paving stones below

from: Jonesy McPipeHelm
date: Wed, Jun 28, 2006 at 10:02 AM
subject: The end of Doctor Who

Final Episode

Enemy: Michael Grade
Special Powers: Cigar, Father.
Weakness: This Week's Type of Magic.

Michael Grade kills Pipus by selling her to ITV (to "pursue other exciting acting opportunities"), but the channel disappears with her inside it. Michael Grade pulls Russell T. Davies out of the Boctor's mouth (because all alien intruders enter the body through the mouth) and confronts him about the scripts, particularly the ones that Russell has written, which are all the same, shit. The Boctor threatens to destroy Michael Grade for killing Buffy. Grade shouts "Decommissioned! Decommissioned! Decommissioned!" in a cold, emotionless voice. The Boctor starts to dematerialize like Marty McFly playing Earth Angel. The Boctor chuckles - "You humans, you're so interesting, with your Eccles cakes and your supermarket saver brand kidney beans, which are, in reality, no better than the standard-bearing Best of the Best brand kidney beans." Mr. Russell T. says "Quit your jibber-jabbering, fool." Michael Grade lights a cigar with a swan vesta and says "I love it when a plan comes together." As he disappears, the Boctor laughs and says, I've reversed the phosphorus in those matches with my sonic the hedgehog. This week's magic is box of matches magic. Grade disappears in a puff of smoke, but it is too late. The Boctor is gone. Mr. Russell T. is left alone. He strokes his heavy jewellery and he weeps.

from: Raz
date: Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 5:11 PM
subject: BEES

A very old very posh man from my village apparently was walking in woods and his foot went through the ground into an underground bees nest, and all the bees flew out and made his trouser leg balloon out, when I heard this my mouth laughed

Also my brother and I 8 years old and 5 years old or something in France and we found a hole in the ground and my brother banged next to it and a blue bee flew out, and then loads of blue bees flew out and we ran away.

Stupid French and their distorted sense of what colour bees should be and where they should live.

Also they had giant black bees

Also David McPipehelm brother/sister cat eat bee stroke cat cat mouth open bee fly out


from: David
date: Thu, Aug 10, 2006 at 8:39 PM
subject: Sometimes wikipedia accidently captures everything pure and special in the world


It is an ache, a deep ache from the core of the body. It is a longing for the past, when you had what it was that broke your heart. It is the feeling that it is not worth getting out of bed in the morning for fear of the pain. It is untreatable. It is the only emotionally related syndrome which has no definite cure, some psychologists say time is the best cure whilst doctors say that there is no cure for an emotionally broken heart

from: Terald Vaaak
date: Wed, Aug 23, 2006 at 4:31 PM

Dear E4, its lawyers, associates, and anyone else party to this email,

Re: Your V Festival coverage

Hello there! I'd like to begin this email by complimenting you on attaining the contract to cover this year's V Festival. However, I must express my disappointment with your coverage, for reasons explained in the paragraph below the paragraph below this one:

The paragraph below this one, you could say:

- Hyping up the appearance of Radiohead, and then showing about four songs
- Not hyping up the appearance of Kasabian, but showing every song ever by them. Ever. For over seventeen hours.
- Having the most irritating yabbering mammal of all time presenting the programme. For a while I thought you had just shaved a dog and filled him with helium, but it turned out it was man. Or a man, at least.

I'm not sure which one of these irritates me the most, but the net result was that I became so angry, I repeatedly punched a tramp in the chest, pausing only to pulse and glow slightly in the light of the indoor gymnasium. Later, I flew directly into the sun, causing a thunderstorm near Southend.

Here are my recommendations for next year's V coverage:

- Allow viewers to 'press the red button', to select which stage they want to watch. The BBC do this with their Glastonbury coverage, so why can't you? Hmm, E4? Are you just going to sit there and let the BBC outflank you in the technical realm?
- Get rid of that gurning idiot presenting it. And get rid of Russell Brand, while you're at it. Christ, he's an insufferable cunt.
- Rename E4 to "Channel Zero", and then buy the rights to "She Watch Channel Zero?!" by Public Enemy, and then play it on a loop, between the hours of 7am and 10pm, accompanied by a picture of a woman. The woman does not have to be attractive.

I hope you will take my recommendations under serious consideration, as my 30 years of experience in the television industry tells me that they will make all the difference.


Terald Vaaak

from: Ted Vaaaak
date: Tue, Aug 29, 2006 at 8:47 PM
subject: Dear Mr Keith Vaz MP

Dear Mr Vaz, or Mr Vaz's secretary, or whoever is reading this instead of Mr Vaz,

Hello there! First, allow me to congratulate you on taking a strong and admirable stance on the subject of violence and distasteful subject matter in videogames. However, I do feel it is important to point out that you seem to have been seriously misled by the media frenzy surrounding the upcoming Rockstar title 'Bully'.

Now, upon hearing the title of the afformentioned game, my reaction was not dissimilar to yours, the idea of a game where you play a bully filled my mouth with a bad taste, not unlike that of warm, flat Coca Cola.

However, you must understand that the title of this game is merely a cunning trap which you have fallen into, and are now severely (metaphorically) wounded as a result. Of falling into it. The trap.

The game is actually a sophisticated social interaction simulator, attempting to recreate the environment of a school and the people within it. Admittedly, this does allow for the player to act as a bully, but we must remember that computer games (and games in general) act as a method to release frustration. Who hasn't played a Dungeons and Dragons, and imagined that the goblin we are fighting is that bloody Jamie McDonald who wouldn't shut the hell up, and often made people's lives a misery? Nobody, that's who.

The suggestion that someone would become a bully (a bully) to emulate Bully (the game) is nave. Did I become an amnesiac with a dark history after playing Final Fantasy VII? I didn't. Did I become a cyborg super-spy after playing Deus Ex? No. (Or did I? No, I did not). I did buy a mansion after playing Jet Set Willy, however, although I am positive that this was just a coincidence.

I hope my argument has been persuasive, and that you will at least play the game in question before making any further judgement.


Ted Vaaak

from: Raz
date: Wed, Sep 6, 2006 at 7:20 PM
subject: Everything I do I do it for you

I'd like to do an electroclash cover of this. A pounding electroclash cover. In the video I would be dressed as Robin Hood (tight tights, enormous feather in cap, but still butch) and I would be riding towards a tower where Maid Marion was. Then we'd see Maid Marion, and it would be me again, but in drag, with MASSIVE tits. Then me (Robin Hood) would kill about 4000 of the Sheriff of Nottingham's men. Then we would see the Sheriff, and it would be me AGAIN, but with a big black beard and bushy eyebrows, and a scar, and rage. Then me (Robin Hood) would have a sword fight with me (Sheriff of Nottingham) and me (Robin Hood) would win, and stab myself in the chest, and people would be going, 'Wow! That is amazing! What can this incredible artist possibly pull out of the bag now?' and then in the video I would kick down the door of Marion (me)'s cell, and then go in, and then get off with myself, and touch my (Marion's) tits, and my (Robin's) cock. At this point most people's minds would implode, and they would never be able to watch another music video again, 'cos they would all be rubbish by comparison.

from: Luke McPipehelm
date: Thu, Sep 28, 2006 at 10:14 PM
subject: Imagine

Imagine if one day you wake up, and everyone looks at you with a quizzical expression, until you say something, and then they say some gibberish and their expression turns to normal. And this goes on all day, and you can't understand a word anyone's saying, until you realise that everyone is talking backwards, and everything you say is an answer to someone elses question, but they don't understand you, because you talk forwards. So you have to learn to talk backwards, and work out what it is someone just asked you, but because you're just guessing, your answers have no relation to their questions, and you just seem like an eccentric. And then you realise that time itself is moving backwards, and you're getting younger and younger, and slowly stupider and stupider, and eventually all you want to do is swear and swear and swear, backwards, until you pass the point where you first overheard someone swearing, and then you forget how to swear, so you just cry and scream. And you forget why it is that you're crying, but you know that there's something wrong. All day you cry and scream, until you're a baby again, and then you realise what people meant when they say that you cried more than most babies tend to.

Imagine that.

date: Sun, Oct 15, 2006 at 4:34 PM















from: David McPipeHelm
date: Wed, Oct 25, 2006 at 8:02 PM
subject: BREAST: The Trailer

We see a doctor, with a goatee, laughing and laughing and laughing

Delilah Breast: What have you done to me?
Doctor: Every time you are irritated, your breasts will expand. And then, eventually...

The doctor whispers "Boooom", while making an explosion motion with his hands

cut to: The White House

Aide: Mr President, we only have 48 hours to save America
President: Get me Breast. Delilah Breast
Aide: I'm afraid there's a problem, Mr President

cut to: explosion

cut to:

Delilah Breast: If I don't stop them before my breasts explode, we'll all die
Pen-pusher from City Hall: This isn't a time for heroics. You can't even fit into your uniform. You disgust me
Delilah Breast: I get results dammit!
Pen-pusher from city hall: Not in my force you don't

Delilah Breast throws her badge on the table


Then Several pieces of text whoosh onto the screen











from: Daniel
date: Sun, Nov 26, 2006 at 7:40 PM
subject: I have been at University

On the way home, I thought I saw a ginger girl from my class

And we were walking in the same direction, so I had to think of something to say as I walked past her.

She was with a small ginger boy, so I thought I'd say something like "Is he yours? You don't look old enough!" or something.

But just as I was walking past, I felt a breeze in my pants. I looked down and saw that my zip was undone, so I sighed and pulled it up.

And then I asked "Is he yours?", and she pointed to his hair, and said "Isn't it obvious?", and then I said "You don't look old enough!"

And then I realised that it probably wasn't the girl from my class at all; her face looked a bit different, and she had a child with her - which she didn't have in the lesson a couple of minutes beforehand.

But I think the woman saw me touch my zip, and then I asked about her son, so she probably thinks (knows) that I want to have sex with him.

So I started walking very fast.

And now I fear I shall never stop

from: Raz
date: Sun, Jan 7, 2007 at 6:06 PM
subject: Celebrity Big Brother transcript

Tim Curry: And you see, it was always my intention to revolutionise the entertainment world. And really, I've done that since day one.

Edmonds: I can't find the door. Is there a door?

Tim Curry: Also, look at the way I can ooze from one place to another, like a greasy dumpling in a slightly inclined saucepan.

Tim Curry: [ooooooze]

Edmonds: oh god

Tim Curry: And really, it's one of the oldest tricks in showbiz.

Thatcher: I should have had you destroyed when I had the chance!

[Everyone laughs]

[Thatcher reaches into handbag and pulls out Cancer Gun]

Thatcher: It sounds funny but it isn't.

Edmonds: I can't even tell if this is a window, or a mirror, or just an actor dressed like me standing behind a membrane

[Uri Geller and Thatcher begin to kiss]


Tim Curry: Oh god, it's on my face! Get it off my face! It reeks of stale melm, breast-sweat and Asda perfume! Get it off!

[He manages to remove the bra]

Tim Curry: Now my beard is ruined! I shall have to remove it.

[He begins stabbing at his face randomly with a kitchen knife]


from: Rick
date: Mon, Jan 15, 2007 at 12:57 AM
subject: Tough and Deadly

Billy Blanks is a special agent whose acting is so flat that he makes "Rowdy" Roddy Piper look like Olivier. Fortunately, he is capable of doing a forward flip off a car bonnet, kicking two men in the face and then scissoring a third with his legs as he lands.

The "plot" entirely consists of suited men in a dark room talking about stuff, but I ignored that because there were no guns or roundhouse kicks in those bits. Billy has lost his memory and has to regain it by taking part in a homoerotic training montage sequence with Roddy Piper. Indeed, at one point the pair indulge in a breathtaking mano-a-mano wrestling scene that recalls Women In Love.

Fortunately, any potential romantic subplot there might have been is ditched for a finale set in a warehouse full of red explosive barrels. Roddy breaks the necks of about a hundred bad guys, while Billy beats up a man for five minutes without his opponent fighting back at any point. Grenades are thrown, causing people to dive out of windows excitingly.

In the stunning denouement, absolutely everything explodes.


from: Luke
date: Mon, Jan 22, 2007 at 12:07 AM
subject: Welcome to Hull

Hull? Let me tell you about Hull. Once, in World War 2, I was fighting against the forces of stupidity, shooting at planes too fast to be harmed, my wife back home leaving me for a consciencious objector, and my glass eye rattling around due to erosion. We took a stop off in Cyprus and destroyed some clams and I earned a medal. "What's all this got to do with Hull?", you might well ask. Shut up, and I'll tell you. When we got back from Cyprus, we built a giant monolith, which reached to the stratosphere, and baffled Jerry. Then we ran out of ammo, and tried throwing rocks, but it was too sandy. Days later we won the war.

And that's all I've got to say about Hull

from: Raz
date: Sat, Jan 27, 2007 at 9:15 PM
subject: "Martha

" David said, while looking hungrily at Martha over the top of his glasses.

"Hmmmmm?" she responded, eyes still afixed to the glossy bible she always carried. David let the sound hang in the air until it hotly irrititated him. He felt his neck turn red. He admired the curve of Martha's hips; the swell of her breasts.

He waited a few more seconds, then ventured: "The hunt went well on Saturday, I thought. I still don't understand why people get so offended, though." This caught her attention. She raised her head from the magazine, and looked at David over her glasses. She lifted the pencil she had been using to fill in the Celebrity Crossword, dipped the tip in her mouth - once - twice. David licked his lips.

"People think it's cruel, David. They think we shouldn't cause anything a horrific, slow, agonising death, even a fox." She started thrusting the rubber tip in and out of her mouth. David looked at her over his glasses. He found he was taking short, sharp breaths, in time with her thrusting. He felt his face and chest turn red.

"But it's just an animal," he snorted, "I don't understand why they get so worked up. One old woman even stood in the way of old Derek." He glowered, over his glasses. "I struck her across the face with my crop. It left a deep groove." He cowled himself in a sudden, nonchalant air. "I don't know if she died or not."

"Really, David. You are a one." Said Martha, out of the side of her mouth, while looking at David over the top of her glasses. The pencil went: in, out, in, out. A small sound, somewhere between a moan and a sigh, escaped David's lips. He looked at her over his glasses.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Thu, Feb 1, 2007 at 7:52 PM
subject: The lost chapter

His body was all bloated and green. I could hear the maggots eating away at his flesh, the sickening grinding overwhelming my senses. I closed my eyes, and everything went grey.

When I woke up, it was dark. I started to wonder who was sexiest - Kathy Lloyd or Jo Guest. If I was being all ironic and cool I'd probably choose the woman from Buck Rogers. I wonder what her name was. In the future everyone is sexy. Eventually I decide to choose Pamela Anderson in the hope she'll let me interview her. She's probably already dead, but it wouldn't really matter. A quick kiss, and I'd be gone.

I roll over, and begin to gnaw at his legs. The maggots scuttle away in fear, or maybe awe. Seeing my mouth must be like looking into the face of God.

from: Interrobang McPipemistress
date: Fri, Feb 16, 2007 at 12:13 AM
subject: Lovely Wuvvwy Valentine's Story

He was aware of her mouth, flapping like a singing sock puppet, but it took one, maybe two seconds for his brain to process the sounds emitted from her knotty flap. It wasn't "If You're Happy and You Know It", that's for sure. Hell, it wasn't even "Thanks for the Valentine's gift."
"It's over between us, Jack, O-V-A! You suck, Jack! You suck so bad, you suck wet farts from dying pigeons!"
He got the feeling this evening wasn't going well.
His name was Jack.

Jack stepped out, alone, into an uncommonly clement February night, due to global warming. Well, actually, he stepped out into a dog poo on a pavement, but it was night-time. "Shit," he said, accurately.

Twenty three minutes later, Jack pushed open the door of Here Be Dragons, went inside, took off his coat, got out his wallet, walked to the bar and asked for a beer. Then he waited for someone to appear behind the bar, as the barman had taken advantage of it being a bit quiet to pop into the kitchen and spit on the food.

While Jack was waiting, he looked around for a familiar face, but instead there was just one unfamiliar face. This unfamiliar face was not disembodied, although the body was also unfamiliar to Jack. But Jack had not noticed the body, anyway - he was struck by her gorgeous eyes.
"Ow!" he shouted, and rubbed his forehead.
"Sorry," she said, apologising like a repentant hummingbird. "I had to use that old joke to get your attention. You see, I just don't want to drink alone. Not tonight. Not on Valentine's night. Not on this balmy Valentine's night. Not on -"
"Shut up!" he screeched."....er, I mean...would you like a drink? I often get those two phrases mixed up."
"I'd love a pint of brine", she purred. Not literally, though, otherwise Jack wouldn't have understood what she wanted to drink. It was meant in the sense that she spoke softly and seductively, although I've never knowingly heard a cat speak like that, so maybe there's a better verb for it.

It was a night of shits and giggles. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was those stunning eyes, so full of secrets and promises like a pair of Kinder surprises in a skull, maybe it was the author's whim, but when she suggested that they leave the pub and go somewhere special, he readily agreed. Filthy beast.

She drove them off the edge of a cliff. Fortunately, it was a very short cliff, just a few millimetres high, and next to a lake. They stood at the edge of the lake. It was beautiful. The full moon was as a freshly polished knob on the door of the night, and illuminated the surface of the rippled lake so that it resembled purest cellulite.

"Let's go for a swim," she suggested. Jack wasn't sure this was a good idea: it was an awfully long drive to the nearest leisure centre and - As he thought these thoughts, she started to unbutton her lovely Top Shop blouse, and finally Jack got the message. It was printed on her vest: I WANT TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING WITH YUO IN THIS LAKE NOW. She'd got 10% off at the T-shirt printing place for the spelling mistake.

It didn't take them long to get used to the coldness of the water, and fortunately Jack resisted the urge to go "OH SHITTING CRIKEY THIS WATER IS FUPPING FREEZING!! WHAT'S SO BLOODY MARVELLOUS ABOUT THIS, YOU STUPID FLAPDOODLE?!"

Splish, splosh, went the water as they splashed each other, inna flirtatious stylee. Jack couldn't believe his luck, this gorgeous creature was going to be his tonight. This had never happened to him before, except once. He decided to make his move and splished towards her purposefully. She, sensing his intentions, opened herself to his passionate embrace and they kissed, mouth to beak, limbs entwined with tentacles. Her leftover tentacles curled around his torso, slid along his thigh, slithered through his magnificent hair, which I forgot to mention earlier. He reached up and stroked her voluptuous dripping mantle, which darkened with each caress. They sank into the lake like a pair of tuppences down the back of a sofa. Down, down, down...it is too late to warn them now. She should have checked for gills. He should have bought a snorkel from the vending machine in the pub toilets. Only one thing is certain: Jack would never go out with a kraken again...

date: Thu, Feb 22, 2007 at 10:16 PM
subject: Hair

I just had a haircut and the racist old man who usually cuts my hair while moaning about the wife and the immigrants had been replaced by a sexy young man in a suit with a fashionable haircut who kept talking about go out with his mates. It was awful. Also, instead of copies of the star and the sport there were copies of Mixmag. And instead of talksport on the radio there was some sort of awful dance music. Also instead of scissors he just used his fingers as pretend scissors

from: David McPipehelm
date: Tue, Mar 13, 2007 at 8:21 PM
subject: Freddie

I got drunk with my father and watched a queen dvd

It was terrible

Freddie kept taking his tshirt off and I was getting excited but then they would show Brian May and I would weeep

date: Tue, Mar 20, 2007 at 8:32 PM
subject: McDonalds

I once bit into a chip and there was a carrot in inside it

I once drank a milkshake and there was an arm inside, its fingers scrabbling at the lid, trying to escape before it drowned

I once bit into a burger and realised it was actually an ubb

I went into McDonalds and it was full of fat people so I went to Burger King instead because it was empty

I went into mcDonalds once and wept

I went into McDonalds once and a woman and her daughter asked me if they could sit next to me so I spat in their faces

I went into a mcdonalds in holland but they expected me to pay to use the toilet so i left without buying anything

I once shot everyone in a mcdonalds because they stopped serving breakfast

I once wondered if anyone was still alive but before i could find out the answer i bought a quarter pounder with cheese

I once got a gherkin and a jerkin mixed up and then i got stabbed and died because the gherkin didn't offer me much protection. Also, I had choked on the jerkin

i once started to scream and my mother held me and told me every thing was going to be alright but i didn't stop crying

i once caused a flood in the bathroom by leaving the taps running and the plug left in and i pretended it was an accident but it wasn't

once i was told i wouldn't be allowed to leave the table unless i finished my dinner but it was cheap stewing steak which i thought was called chewing steak because you chewed and chewed and it never became edible so i kept the steak in my cheeks and then i left the table and then i forgot i had the steak in my cheeks and went and played in the garden and then later when i had to brush my teeth before going to bed i remembered all the chewed up chewing steak in my cheeks so i spat it in the sink but it wouldn't wash away down the plughole and then my mother and father came in and founhd it and they laughed at me and it was worse than shouting

I once threw a plastic skittle at my older brother's head but I'd filled it up with water so it was really heavy I was hoping it would knock him out but he ducked and it smashed the dining room window instead

I once went into mcdonalds and my eyeball fell out and landed in the person next to me's burger. I kept quiet and left

i once had a bath with my younger brother i was five and he was almost 2 and he stood up and pissed on me and my dad who was there washing us laughed and laughed and luaghed and i cried i always cried and he said okay i will wash it out and he scooped up some water from the bath in the saucepan he used to use to wash our hair and dumped it on my head and i cried even more because i knew that all the piss would have ended up in the bath i wasn't stupid i was 5

I once bought a coke in mcdonlads but when i went to drink it i realsied the straw wasn't a straw at all but a crab hand

Pirates of the caribbean: the curse of the haunted mcdonalds - robotic admiral norrington

i once started to hiss but eventually it transpired that actually my car just had a puncture and i was just imitating the hiss because of a defect of the brain

i was drinking a coke and slowly the caffeine made me kill a man

the man was hitler

I once got dressed up as a girl by my sister and i hated it and started to cry and tshe took a picture of me and then when it was printed she showed everyone and they all laughed at me dressed as a girl and crying

i once held my penos on both hands but it wasn't really necessary i jsut wanted to pretned i had a big cock bhut i didn't have a big cock at all

I once went slightly mad one afternoon in march, 2007. it was oddly cold

from: Raz
date: Mon, Mar 26, 2007 at 9:06 PM
subject: The future

Last night I dreamt I was playing The Chaos Engine on a retro compilation on a console many years into the future, and I was a teenager again for some reason, and they had added a new character called The Tithe, who was a ginger man with a really big head. It was all a bit sad really

from: Rosie
date: Thu, Apr 5, 2007 at 8:08 PM
subject: Teddy

My mum said when I was little, "If your teddy died, how would you know?". I was scared of Albert for a while after that.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Fri, Apr 13, 2007 at 12:12 AM
subject: Talking about dreams is better than nothing I suppose

Last night I dreamt I came home after three years away, and my wife was there, and she was pregnant, and it was so beautiful and we both burst into tears and held each other

I didn't even ask who had got her pregnant

Then I got woken up by a builder bellowing "YOU CAAAAAAAAAAAAAHNT!" at another builder in the street

from: Luke
date: Wed, Apr 25, 2007 at 9:51 PM
subject: Eyes

I had my eye exam.

The optician said "You don't need glasses, but you do need a PUNCH".

Thus ensued a three-hour long fistfight that rampaged over the rooftops of Worcester.

from: Daniel
date: Thu, May 17, 2007 at 9:36 PM
subject: We aren't dead yet

I had a strange dream last night. In it, I was sat in my mum's house, in the living room, with a celebrity black-man who was probably Danny Glover from the Lethal Weapon films. And he told me about something embarrassing that happened to him the night before, in my mum's bedroom. So I opened an old, battered VHS case which was probably for one of the Lethal Weapon films, and I went back in time to the night before, to my mum's bedroom. In there, the black man (who was probably Danny Glover) was taking part in a "circle jerk" on the floor, around the opened VHS case, with a white-man and 3 white-women (I can't remember who any of these were, but I remember thinking that they were all celebrities). Danny Glover (probably) was new to the group, and so was introducing himself. But he was masturbating at the same time, and then he started ejaculating all over the place. Over the opened VHS case. Over everybody. Over me! I was really surprised because, up until this point, I thought that I was some sort of non-physical entity, like Bill Murray when he goes with the ghosts in Scrooged.

All the white people were all were disgusted. They were all "Urgh, God, stop it" and that. He knew that people were unhappy about it, so he put his hand in front of the stream, and his spunk was splashing all over the place. After he had stopped ejaculating, he ran away, crying. One of the white women said "Urgh, it smells like stale milk", to which the white man remarked "yeah, rat-milk". And they all started laughing. I started laughing as well, but then felt a bit guilty because they were probably being racist.

And then my mum walked in with a basket of laundry. Everybody had disappeared. It was just me, Danny Glover's spunk, and the smell of stale rat-milk in the air. "er... I'm a bit busy right now, mam" I said, and she left the room. Then I put all the spunk into the VHS case, and hid it underneath a chest of drawers.

date: Thu, May 24, 2007 at 9:53 PM
subject: Toys

I remember going to ToysRus in Basildon when I was five and Basildon seemed like some sort of hi-tec vision of the future with this brand new shopping centre with a see through glass lift and plants and things and toysrus was the biggest most magical place i had ever seen and i was allowed to by a transformer (some crappy insect thing) and it was brilliant

Then, 22 years later, I went to Basildon again, and it was exactly the same, except now it looked like a terrifying vision of decay and concrete and horror and the death of the optimism of the 80s and my youth, and toysrus was all tiny and rubbish and all the toys were broken and no one was in there and i tried to buy a cream egg but no one was on the tills so i left without a cream egg and i cried a little inside and it was the worst afternoon of my life

from: Stuart
date: Mon, Jun 4, 2007 at 11:39 PM
subject: I had my first go at Wii Boxing tonight

My opponent was a genuine arse, and kept drunkenly going on about "eating the canvas" over and over again, and "talking the talk" - to which I replied "yeah - the talk of a lesbian" as if "canvas" was some kind of euphemism for "minge" or something, which did get a laugh despite being a feeble non-joke, but he got quite upset as if I really thought he was a lesbian, bafflingly, and he just kept going on and on about it

from: Daniel
date: Tue, Jun 12, 2007 at 2:00 AM
subject: What I did today

I didn't go out yesterday because I was busy preparing to go out today (putting on pant). Today, I went to Withernsea for the first time in years, but realised that Withernsea is really rubbish. It is like a smaller, rubbisher version of Hull, with a beach. It is just rubbish arcades and rubbish fish & chip shops. Also, it smells and everybody is poor and old.

So we went to Spurn Point. It's a nature reserve, and you can usually see lizards and wild rabbits and loads and loads of birds, and other things. Today, I saw:
- about 4 birds,
- loads and loads (and loads) of itchy, hairy moths that make people itch,
- a dead crab-baby,
- 6 crab-claws,
- lots of odd-shaped rocks
- some rabbit droppings
- 1 rabbit (flat)

We threw a flying disc around for a bit, took some photos of the rabbit droppings, and left, in a huff. Stupid, boring nature.

date: Tue, Jun 26, 2007 at 9:14 PM
subject: Bernard Mannang

It was the saddest day. The saddest day. His beautiful face no longer smiled, his bloated body withered to a willowy corpse, his final laugh caused our faces to blister and our hearts to drop. And then he was gone, his body borne away by the jug-ra.

Now only Jim Davidson is left.

date: Tue, Jul 3, 2007 at 1:04 AM
subject: A joke

Q. What is best type of mouth?
A. A hunchback's mouth

from: Daniel
date: Sun, Jul 29, 2007 at 2:49 PM
subject: Odd socks

My estranged uncle came around to my house, offering me a big bag of odd socks. I was like "oh... thanks" and that, but he hung around, acting like he wanted money for them. I didn't want to pay for a bag of odd socks, but went to the kitchen to get him a tenner, or something, to avoid bad feelings.

While I was there, I looked in the fridge and found a freshly-severed human hand. I was disgusted, not by the hand, but by the way it had been cut. That is, there was a deep gash less than a centimetre up from the sever-point, showing that it was not a clean cut. And it looked really gross.

I went into the living room, where my entire family was watching telly and talking and stuff. "Who put this severed hand in the fridge, I asked?", but nobody seemed to know. I went to put the hand back in the fridge, but heard the kids in the living room getting rowdy, and decided to entertain them by pretending to play the hand like a flute, blowing in the stumpy-end in such a way as to make the fingers move.

"Urrgh, Daniel , you're getting blood all over the floor!" my mum complained. I went to wash the hand in the sink so that I could cook it and eat it, but the sink was full of mucky, greasy dish-water, and my lovely guppies were in it. They seemed to like it, though.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Tue, Aug 21, 2007 at 11:39 PM
subject: I went to Southend...

..and I saw an old gypsy woman with two budgies in a box, and the budgies would pick out some tarot cards from a pack and read your future!

The sign said "Let the mystic parrot read YOUR future" but they weren't parrots at all they were budgerigars and I became so enraged I started stamping her stupid fucking table into the ground and then I started to punch her and then I ran away

from: Rosy
date: Tue, Sep 25, 2007 at 5:20 PM
subject: Childhood memories

when I was 4 and my best friend Amber was 3, my mum and I explained to Amber that the Earth was a planet spinning 1) on an axis and 2) around the sun.

Amber gazed at me in awe.

Then she leaped onto the nearest armchair in a single bound (no mean feat for a littl'un) and clung onto the arm of the chair yelling, "HOLD ON TIGHT! WE'RE ON A PLANET!"

27 year later - I know how she feel

from: Daniel
date: Tue, Oct 2, 2007 at 6:06 PM
subject: Mother

My mother sometimes has painting sprees where she just goes mad and paints everything - walls, ceilings, door handles, cupboards, picture frames, floor-tiles, floorboards, guttering, brickwork, ect. She also has a really bad eye for detail. Once, she was painting the drain cover in the garden (for some reason), and accidentally painted over a slug with Hammerite paint, preserving it for all time. It is still there after all these years.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Tue, Oct 9, 2007 at 10:56 AM
subject: Joining the digital revolution

I've finally joined the rest of the world and gotten myself a bloody blog. It was pointed out to me that no one wants cartoons and videos and all that silly shite that we used to do on goaste - they just want to listen to me, and my tales about the world. So here it is, at long last. Welcome to the world o' pipes


from: Raz
date: Sat, Oct 13, 2007 at 7:21 PM
subject: JK Rowling's Tales of Earthsea

"I'm afraid I know your secret" shouted Ged Wimbles.

"What secret?" boomed the dragon.

"You're afraid of...GABBLYWOBBLES!"

"What's a Gabblywobble?"

"It's like a giant spider, with a chicken's head, that can only tell the truth."

"Phew! Now the dragon's defeated, let's get back to Roke Comprehensive," Harry blushed

from: Raz
date: Fri, Nov 2, 2007 at 3:04 AM
subject: The man with the melted face

He has a powerful weapon
He charges a few pouns a shot,
An assassin that hates every race,
The man with the melted face.
Lurking in some rapist's alley,
Or crouched in a cupboard somewhere,
He minces through doors with powerful grace
The man with the melted face.
Trous are required whenever he's hired,
It comes just before the kill.
No-one can scratch him, no nip man can match him
It's the melted face of Bill.
One melted face means another poor victim,
Has come to a glittering end,
For a price, he'll bum anyone
The man with the melted face.
His eye may be on you or me.
Who will he bang?
We shall see. Oh yeah!
Trous are required whenever he's hired,
It comes just before the kill.
No-one can scratch him, no nip man can match him
It's the melted face of Bill.
One melted face means another poor victim,
Has come to a glittering end,
If you want to get rid of someone,
The man with the melted face
Will get it done
He'll bum anyplace
With his melted face.

from: Raz
date: Sun, Dec 9, 2007 at 10:05 PM
subject: jokes

Q. what happendd to Blood Eric
A. he bled to deatha
Q. why
A. Blood Eric

from: The Chortle Hound
date: Wed, Dec 19, 2007 at 10:38 PM
subject: Ant Theatre

The ants put on a version of Strindberg's Miss Julie in their tiny theatre last night. All was going well until the third act, when suddenly Jean broke character, threw himself headfirst into the sugar bowl, and began signing lewd songs about the other cast members.

So I hoovered them up.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Wed, Jan 16, 2008 at 7:10 PM
subject: Die Hard

for some reason, when i was a child, one of my friends said he had seen the full version of die hard, and in that alan rickman pulled of bruce willis's wifes shirt and touched her breasts, and this was cut out of the itv version, which was the only version i had ever seen, and then i watched it on dvd recently, and for some reason i must have actually believed him, because i thought alan rickman really was going to do that, but he didn't

from: David
date: Wed, Feb 6, 2008 at 2:03 AM
subject: when i was little

when i was little i had an excellent globe that had a victorian era map of the world on it, instead of a proper map of the world. it was brilliant. then the paper that the map was printed on all turned to dust, and i was left with a barren world

from: David McPipehelm
date: Fri, Feb 15, 2008 at 9:13 PM
subject: another story about McDonalds

I was in McDonalds today and it was almost full so I went and sat next to a mother and her 4 year old boy and the boy kept talking to me and I didn't really know what to do so I laughed at his jokes, and then when I left he waved at me and looked really sad

from: Raz
date: Thu, Mar 13, 2008 at 7:54 PM
subject: Anton Chigurh

You can tell Anton Chigurh is mad because of his hair

from: David McPipehelm
date: Thu, Mar 20, 2008 at 12:38 PM
subject: Things to do list

*chelsea charms fan site
*chelsea charms comic series
*chelsea charms pictures where chelsea charms ubbs are bigger than reality
*chelsea charms mimse imagination adventure
*rewrite several popular novels, and replace the main character in each with chelsea charms. also add a few hundred pages of extra description of her ubbs to the books
*ghostwrite a zoe williams column about chelsea charms
*a picture of tim cunry standing in front of chelsea charms
*a youtube slideshow tribute to chelsea charms RIP 1978-2006

from: The Duchess
date: Fri, May 30, 2008 at 12:57 AM
subject: I don't want to be melodramatic, but a horse maybe tried to rape me today

We were out at this country park place, and were walking past a field with loads of horses, and I went and got one to come over to the fence so I could stroke it, and I was, but then it went all twitchy, and leaned its head over the fence, got hold of the middle of my dress and tried to rip it. I got it to let go, and I moved back and laughed, and only then did I notice it had developed a massive pulsating erection.

from: Graham
date: Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 10:02 AM
subject: work

There was this piece of paper on the work noticeboard announcing that someone was having a 30th birthday party and all were invited, and to list your name if you wanted to attend. Two guys from work there (Robin and Albert) put their names down, so I added "Batman". The next day someone had scored it out, and someone had also added "Superman" and "Daredevil" to the list - also scored out. So I added Elton John, which got scored out the next time I was in, so I added "your dad" and "an openly gay man", and then the piece of paper disappeared.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Thu, Jul 17, 2008 at 8:16 PM
subject: Naked Man

From: Gmail Support
Date: Jul 17, 2008 11:05 AM
Subject: Naked Man

Dear ,

We would like to apologise for the cheeky man in a chef's hat showing his bottom that appeared when you searched for a chemicals conglomerate logo. The offending image has been removed, the website shut down, and the man tracked down and destroyed.

Thanks for continuing to use Gmail.

The Gmail Team

Get Gmail beamed directly into your brain - gmail.brainburn.com

from: Raz
date: Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:59 PM
subject: Smike

When I used to babysit this boy he had an action figure he called 'Smike', who had a mullet, bird-claw legs, and shoulder-mounted lasers. And was a robot, apparently.

Last night I went slightly mad trying to find Smike. Only, it turns out he isn't called Smike, he's called Smythe, and he isn't a robot, he's a cyborg, and he only had lasers on his shoulders in his short-lived cartoon appearance.


Wherever that lying boy is now, I wish him ill

from: David McPipehelm date: Mon, Nov 10, 2008 at 10:52 PM
subject: goaste is not yet dead

a girl once attached fairy wings to my back at a party and i was too sad to take them off

from: David McPipehelm
date: Mon, Dec 22, 2008 at 12:40 AM
subject: Eggmas 2008

Eggmas time is a time for celebration, and eggs, and songs, and pictures, and whispering agromeliacs creeping out from behind the tree, creeping, always creeping, from behind my tree

from: David McPipehelm
date: Fri, Feb 6, 2009 at 10:52 PM
subject: sitcom

i had a brilliant and horrifyingly realistic dream before. for some reason i was married to a blandly beautiful american woman, who was the star of her own sitcom, which was also just her life. she was some sort of successful office type women or something. also i live with her, and also her rubbish american working class brother who is a builder. also there is her successful upper class office partner who hates me and her brother and tries to run away with my wife, the star of the sitcom, in case you have forgotten.

wife: and this is my brother, he works in construction
brother: i get to blow things up with dynamite! (mild audience laughter)
wife's workmate: that doesn't sound like construction (he pauses, for more mild laughter). That sounds like destruction! (uproarious wild laughter that never ends)
wife: and this is my husband. he's british (intake of breathe from the audience) brother: do they even have construction in England? (audience laughter)
me: my brother's in construction

silence from everyone

me: Question: How can you tell the whether a man is american or british, if for some reason you have to know, and they can't tell you, and you also can't tell from their accents, and also they both work in construction. Answer: The british man would have a reaaaaaaaaaaaally big piece of dynamite, and he would force it into the tightest hole he could find, even though it barely fit, and it was ripping the edges of the hole, and the hole was filled with dirt, and he'd push it in, puuuuuush it in, all the way, and then he'd set it off, and it would explode everywhere. The american would have a really small piece of dynamite and it probably wouldn't go off.

I start to laugh, while everyone else looks at me in appalled silence

wife's rich workmate: so what's your job, then, david?

at which point i wake up, as if my brain is too embarrassed to tell an american, in my dream, that i am unemployed. or maybe my brain had used up all its joke writing skills on that brilliant joke, so it just gave up

from: David McPipehelm
date: Thu, Mar 5, 2009 at 8:53 PM
subject: Sam

Elrond told Sam to get in the barrel.

"But its full of piss, Sir Elrond."


Sam looked terrified by the shouting elf, and apprehensively climbed into the barrel. The elixir of the gods soaked through Sam's rubbish hobbit clothes. It was horribly warm. Suddenly Gandalf popped up from ehind the barrel, and dunked Sam's head under. Gandalf and Elrond started to laugh.

"Hobbits really are amazing creatures," chuckled Gandalf. "You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years you can dunk them in a barrel of piss and you will laugh and luagh and laugh."

Sam started to cry. "Oh, Sam" Frodo said indulgently, laughing. Boromir looked on from the doorway, scowling. Gimli started to sing about gold.

from: David McPipehelm
date: Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 12:11 AM
subject: idea #6473: erotic remake of alien

it will be exactly the same as alien but giger will be allowed to draw some extra penises and a vagina directly onto the film