|THE INFECTED - 2006 (post-production)
Starring John Hurt, Kevin Bacon, Rob Schneider, Reese Witherspoon, Tobey McGuire
Small town gets infected with zombies, and the survivors huddle together, then in a twist ending it ironically turns out that they are in fact dead and all the 'zombies' are living people, trying to reach out sympathetically and hug them, except they keep shooting them!
|THIRST - 2006 (pre-production)
Starring Reese Witherspoon, Michael Caine, Kevin Bacon, Fred Durst
A group of New York high-society scenesters are actually vampires, except at the end of the film in a twist ending it ironically turns out that they are the 'victims'...of alcoholism, and they're not biting people's necks, they're kissing them, and drinking whisky at the same time! They are 'dependent' (not dependent) on 'blood' (whisky!) to 'live'! (have a good time!)
|APE-CREATURE - 2007 (pre-production)
Starring Reese Witherspoon, Kate Winslet, Samuel L Jackson, Tom Hanks
In a post-apocalyptic world, a band of scavengers are pursued by a terrifying ape-creature wielding a knife - eventually they kill it and in a twist ending it becomes clear that ironically it is in fact the last black man in the world, wearing a fur coat,and he is also the last doctor in the world, and he wasn't wielding a knife, it was a syringe filled with the cure to the disease that they all are about to die of, and now his syringe is smashed on the floor!
As a comet heads directly for the Earth, the world's military forces unite to blow it out of the sky, shaking off their differences at last as they team up for the common good and world peace finally reigns. Sadly, a week later everyone dies of a mystery virus, apart from one man, who strides the Earth alone until he finds the wreckage of the "comet" which was actually an intergalactic ambulance that was coming to rid the Earth of the terrible plague... in 3D.
Starring Reese Witherspoon, Reese Witherspoon, Reese Witherspoon, Reese Witherspoon, Reese Witherspoon.
Improbably leggy scientist, Reese Witherspoon, lives alone on Stir Island, South America, recording details of rainfall and germs in a little book. She begins to get the feeling that she is not alone and is soon haunted by shadowy figures. She slowly becomes convinced that her island has been invaded and sets out to hunt the aliens to death with a vial containing foreign germs and a water pistol full of dirty rainwater. She comes face to face with her demons on the beach and she germs them with her vial. But, in an ironic twist, her demons are actually her unborn children: terrorists have killed everyone in the world and she is the last woman left on earth. Unwittingly she has infected her unborn female quads with foreign. The human race is doomed.
|THE LAST EGG IN THE WORLD
Starring Ron Howard's ginger daughter, Ron Howard's ginger wife, Ron Howard's ginger son, Ron Howard's egg, Ron Howard's wig
In a mysterious village in a forest there is an egg. The villagers worship the egg, for it is the last egg in the world, and if it was to be broken, the world would end. Unfortunately, the insane village idiot becomes obsessed with the egg, and cracks it open. The egg contains the most beautiful angels in the world... but then it rains and they are washed away forever, and in a long and patronising speech by the village elder, it is revealed that THE WORLD WHICH HAS ENDED IS HEAVEN. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SCIENCE REPLACES FAITH
Starring: Joaquin Pheonix, Kirstin Dunst, Viggo Mortenson
Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan and John Woo
Joaquin Pheonix plays a Christian fundamentalist teacher who is firmly against any kind of sex change, and goes around shouting until the end where ironically it turns out he's a woman, as he flies away from an exploding car, in slow motion, to the tune of a heavy metal version of 'Come Together' by The Beatles.
|THE VILLAGE SHOP
Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Michael Caine, A Dog.
When Reese Witherspoon goes to buy a carton of Ribena Light and a News of the World from shopkeeper Michael Caine, she gets the strange feeling she has seen him before. She can't see him, though, because, in an ironic twist, she is actually blind and the carton contains bleach. As she dies in agony, Specsaver, her faithful guide dog, licks the tears from her face and she begins to hallucinate. "That's right," Specsaver tells her (as Michael Caine), "it was I who ran you over ten years ago in the Metaphorical forest of Metaphors, Hull, turning you blind. Now you know, you can be at rest." As she dies, the News of the World blows onto her face...its front page reads: "Girls Aloud Lick Each Other on Dirty Tour! Exclusive Pictures and Stuff!" Further down the page is a picture of Michael Caine. The story reads "Michael Caine Dies Years Ago in Car Accident in Metaphorical Forest of Mataphors, Hull." The paper blows away and sticks to the bricks of the village shop. But it is no longer the village shop; it is revealed to be.......Waitrose! "Good Evening Madam," the manager says to a customer walking into the shop, "You are our one millionth customer. We've been open ten years. There was a village shop here before that!" Credits roll, but, in a clever twist, the director is Alfred Hitchcock and the producer is Stanley Kubrick. Executive Producer: God.
|WHICH CAME LAST?
A chicken stands alone. He is the last chicken in the world. The camera pulls out to reveal thousands of dead chickens: their corpses spell out the words "Avian Flu". Children are revealed, grinning. The children 'stone' the chicken to death with eggs. They laugh as the eggs smash and the chicken falls to the ground in slow motion.
"But he is not infected!" shouts one child.
The eggs fly. The chicken falls.
"Stop!" shouts another.
"We have to stop," laughs a third, "There are no more eggs left in the world."
"Just this one," whispers a small boy, who, ironically, looks like a young Colonel Sanders...
He opens his hand but the last egg tumbles from his tiny palm and rolls, in slow motion, towards the chicken. The chicken falls, dead, on the egg. The egg shatters, letting out a Wilhelm scream from within, and the yolk oozes from beneath the dead chicken.