the incomplete goaste script archive

Silent Hill

Girl: What?
Man: What? I can't hear you
Girl: What? Can you turn that radio off?
Man: This is impossible. I can't hear a thing
Girl (to camera): I thought this was supposed to be Silent Hill (winks at camera)

Suddenly a faceless foetus appears. The man beats it to death with a stick

Silent Hill 2

Man: Aaaaaargh! Its Pyramid Head!
Girl: Who?
Man: Pyramid Head
Girl: No!
Man: I shall stab him with this knife

Man stabs pyramid head with knife. It does nothing

Man: No!
Girl: Run!

They run away. Benny Hill music plays

True Romance 2

Clarence: And have you noticed how every cartoon hero in the eighties was David Hasselhoff? He-man? David Hasselhoff! Optimus Prime? David Hasselhoff! Wiz-bit? David fucking Hasselhoff!
Woman at bar: Wiz-bit wasn't a cartoon, man
Clarence: Fuck you!

Clarence starts shooting

Labyrinth 2

Jennifer Connelly: So we meet again, Goblin King
David Bowie: My, my, my! You are a woman now, I see!
Jennifer Connelly: Yes

They kiss

Ghostbusters 3

Stantz: God, I can believe they've taken our funding away, again!
Spengler: And they've taken my collection of spores, moulds, and funguses away, too.

Cut to: Venkman (stock footage from first film)

Venkman: Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
Stantz: Shut up, Venkman. This is serious

Cut to: Venkman (stock footage from first film)

Venkman: This man has no dick.

Resident Evil: Massacre

Milla Jovovich is in a barn, with a spaniard, surrounded by villagers with pitchforks, hungry for blood. Her blood. And his.

Milla Jovovich is firing at them, wildly.

click, click

She is out of bullets.

Spaniard: Oh no! We're doomed!

Milla Jovovich: This morning God gave us a great victory, but it is nothing compared to what he is ready to give us now. I know you are all tired and hungry, but I swear to you that even if these English were hanging from the clouds by their fingertips we would pull them down before nightfall. Now let all those who love me... follow me! Follow me!

Spaniard: But you have no bullets.

Milla Jovovich pulls a sword out, from nowhere

Milla Jovovich: No, but I have a blade

Suddenly, the backdoor of the room slams open. They turn round

Milla Jovovich: Leon!

Leon (played by David Bowie): Let's dance

Ghostbusters 3 (again)

They have just killed a gigantic pokey the penguin

Stantz: Hooray!

Spengler: NO YES

Cut to:

Venkman (stock footage): We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.

Star Trek 12

Q: Unless you can solve this puzzle, Jean-Luc, all of humanity will be destroyed. Forever!

Picard: Curse you and your confounded games, Q

Q: You must guess what I am thinking of, Jean-Luc!

Picard: Is it anus?

Q: No

Picard: Is it crow?

Q: No

Picard: Is it husk?

Q: No

Picard: Is it egg?

Q: No

Picard: Is it seg, or seg based?

Q: No

Picard: Is it the concept of original sin?

Q: NO!

Star Trek 12

Picard: Beverley

Cut to Beverly Crusher. Camera suddenly goes into soft focus

Beverly Crusher: Captain

Cut back to Picard. Normal focus

Picard: I... I love you Beverly

Beverly Crusher (in soft focus): Jean-Luc?

Picard: You look so young. Your skin...

Cut to Beverly Crusher (soft focus, again)

Picard's hand brushes her cheek

Picard: soft

Cut to Riker in the corridor outside

Riker: Someone get this door open. NOW! Captain! CAPTAIN! Can you hear me?

Worf: Whats wrong, Commander Riker?

Riker: Worf! What are you doing here?

Worf: I'm on holiday

Riker: Nevermind that, we have to hurry. Doctor Crusher is using her soft focus charm on the captain again. He believes her to be young and beautiful

Worf: She is... so... smooth

Riker: Dear God! She's out of control! (Riker taps badge thing) DATA! DATA! I need you to hurry up with that gun

Alien (first draft)

DALLAS: Same way everything else happens. Orders from the Company.

RIPLEY: Since when is that standard procedure.

DALLAS: Standard procedure is do what they tell you... Besides, I only know about flying... I haul cargo for a living.

RIPLEY: Did you ship out with Ash before?

DALLAS: First time. I went five hauls with another science man. Then two days before we left Thedus, replaced him with Ash.

She looks at him. He looks at her. Suddenly, they have sex