Snow hits America. Americans 'terrified'

New Yorkers were left cowering in terror this weekend as unprecedented amounts of snow fell from the sky on to the ground. Central Park - a major thoroughfare and favourite commuting route for Americans all over America - suffered a massive 68.3 cm (26.9 inches) of snow. Buff American, an American New Yorker who contacted us, gave us this eyewitness account: "The snow came down suddenly, like the icy rain of death. It was swarming all around and people were starting to panic. We've all been on High Red Alert recently because of all the Terror, and naturally we suspected the worst. What if this 'snow' is just the start of Bin Laden's chemical warfare attacks!"

Buff's paranoid rantings may seem bizarre, perhaps even hysterical - yet similar thoughts passed through the minds of America's highest government officials. An urgent warning was sent to all major media outlets, warning Americans to stay in their homes as there was a "very real danger that this snow is cursed by Jihads". Samples were caught and tested by important men with scientific qualifications in biohazard suits, but tests for anthrax were 'inconclusive'.

Snow, or something more sinister? America is unsure.

America has been brought to a complete standstill by the storms, which have been described by American weatherman Wilf Stormy as 'pretty bad'. Major American airports have been forced to close, roads are icy and treacherous, and several Americans have slipped over whilst walking - meaning thousands of innocent citizens have been subjected to potentially lethal falls. Several citizens have also complained that they are cold, and some have been rushed to hospital with sniffly noses and numb extemities - both listed as early-warning symptoms of a poison gas attack.

A big explosion - one of the results of terrorism against Americans.

A press release from the White House stresses that the snowfall "could be the work of Muslims", but "it is possible that it's just snow". The message to Americans is clear: "Stay in your homes. Be wary of snow or snow-like substance, and treat it as highly dangerous. But most importantly - do not panic."