The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time - A guide by Rosy Rockets

My mild brain damage may be traced to the fact that I have completed Zelda approximately six times.

Kokiri Forest

Watch in disgust as a Kokiri with a ginger mop humps a rock.

Zora's Fountain

Offer the fish to Lord Jabu Jabu. Brown trouser time as his mighty "toothed vagina" gob sucks you in. Soon, you will become a man. (Jung scripted this bit).

Gerudo Valley

Give Carpenter's Saw to chief Carpenter, and shudder at his hoarse scream of delight. Receive Broken Sword. Getting a bit Dizzy Egg, isn't it?

Kakariko Village

Now that you have the Longshot, you should climb up onto the roof and compliment Richard Stilgoe on his tracky bottoms.

Mask Shop

Give Keaton Mask to Death Mountain guard, and discuss Multiplicity fan fiction. Give Skull Mask to Skull Kid in forest in return for a Slipknot "hoodie". Give Spooky Mask to encephalitic kid in Graveyard. Give Bunny Hood to effete jogger in field. Parade all masks on stage in Lost Woods. There is no Eric Stoltz Mask.


Stop giving it the Damien Hirst treatment and play Epona's Song. Udder-ly fantastic.



Miss Hyrule 2002

Winner: The Gerudo by Zora's River, below the bridge in Gerudo Valley. How and why did she take her cow to the featureless stone ledge? Who cares. She's a babe.

Second place: The narcoleptic, blue-haired pixie who runs the Bombchu arcade in the market. It's quite difficult to look cool whilst aiming exploding mice at chickens, isn't it?

Third place: Malon, the insomniac equestrienne, stays up all night singing to herself eerily in the middle of the training arena. Straight outta Elm Street.

I have written a complete Zelda walkthrough. Please kill me.