JOKES FOR MERRYMENT

q. Where does astronaut keep egg? a. egg cuoboaird Q: Hegs when? A: BELM Q: God walked into bar, and then destroyed it with lightning! A: Snow joke Q. A man walks into? A. Ouch! I killed him with an iron bar! Q: Who started the great fire of London? A: Ultra Jesus Q: What is the capital of England? A: E!! (hull) Q: HULK ANGRY A: RICK FRIEND Q: Who started the Bubonic Plague? A: Evile Noele Edmendse Q: What's the time, Mr Wolf? A: QUESTION INVALID. Q: Why did the [joke edited for content] mouse? A: One [joke edited for content] cunt! Q: Why did chicken cross road? A: BBBBBBKKKKKKKKKKKKK - VACKKCK! Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: Chased by rapist with knife and gun Q: Why did rapist cross road? A: Gary Glitter Q: Why did Gary Glitter cross the road? A: Michael Jackson Two men walked into a pub. One was dressed as a clown. The other was wearing a morris dancers oufit. The clown, Simon, asked the barkeep for a pint. "A pint, please, barkeep", he whispered, forcably. The morris dancer, Sir Franelope VII, asked the barkeep for a whiskey. "Shaken, not stirred" he laughed, doing a rubbish Sean Connery impression. The barkeep looked confused. Then, two teenagers came in, and bought some cigarrettes from the cigarette machine. Then they left. Simon took his pint and sat down at a nearby table. Table 21. Sir Franelope VII joined him. At table 21. They drank their drinks, and then left. Q: How many fingers did the barkeep have in his pocket? Q: What did you get for Christmas? A: Shot. Q: What did you get your mum for christmas? A: An enormous fake cock fashioned out of sausagemeat and eggs Q: Why did Toxteth eat crow? A: She live in Birnmiengham! Q: What did I do with my sausagemeat and eggs cock? A: I ate it Q. What is the time Mister Wolf A. 2005 3 7 17 04 24 237 Q. Who dib it? A. Why do to me? Q. Which dog ate the bone? A. Dog 29. Q: Why did Hitler egg cross road? A: Fascism Q: Two men walk into a pub A: Thats not a question Q: Why did the horse walk into the pub? A: It was being chased by the queen MAN: Doctor, Doctor, my cock is shaped like a saxaphone. DOC: I'm Harold Shipman. You're fucking dead! Haahahahahahahaha! Q) Knock knock A) Who's there? Q) When was the RSPCA founded? A) 1824 Q) Joke! A) Laughter! Q) What are you doing in here? A) Sorry, I saw the door was open, so I just popped in to make sure everything was alright. Q. dayve Dickinson Q. What did the velociraptor say to the kitten? A. "Even BEFORE they smell your breath?" A Lithuanian, the French, and an antelope were all in a submarine under the Irish Sea. The Lithuanian said "I hate the sea. I wish I was back in Lithuania, where my wife Ludmilla is mending industrial boilers and slaughtering chickens". The antelope said "look! An octopus!" and the French said "sacre bleu! nous sommes dans l'eau, pour some reason". And then a kraken awoke from the deep and ate them all. Q. DAVID MCPIPEHELM! A. DAVID MCPIPEHELM? Q: Why crow? A: Hull Q: A A: Q Q: Cheese sandwich? A: Schnauzer! Q. What is woman's name? A. Murgatroid Q: How many shitehawks does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: I'm drunk! Q) What is the national dish of Argent- A) Sebastian Coe in the 800 metres. Q) What do you call a man with a spade in his head? A) Mentally ill. Q) Did you hear about the man with an elephant's cock for a head? A) I expect not. It was all hushed up by the authorities! Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead. Q. What is the best number? A. Bisto 70 Q. What is the worst number? A. Bisto 71 q) Why are Soviet people always tired? a) Because they're always Russian (rushing) about q) What time is the boy's dental appointment? a) Tooth hurty (2:30) Q) How many people can live in a garden shed? A) Up to 19, if they are immigrants. Q. What Japeye for? A. wee and spunk Q. What did Edric shoot bear? A. With gun! Q. I'm hungry A. No you aren't Q. Pipe? A. Irony! Q. Why is Nan crying? A. Grandad still dead Q. What is Darth Vader's favourite drink? A. Space drink Q. What does tramp drink A. Brownade Q. Why did Andrew Eggmilk fall down the stairs? A. He had paddles and flippers instead of legs and arms Q: What would octopus wearing crown look like? A: Q: What did the black man ask the white man? A: Hello I am the black man Q: Why did Palpatine rape Yoda? A: Although Palpatine was attracted to Yoda, Yoda rejected his advances in the middle of a busy pub. Palpatine felt humiliated, and felt this was the best way to get revenge on Yoda Q. Why did man stop? A. Man dead. Q) Waiter! There's a fly in my soup. A) Yes, Sir. That's the fly soup. Q) Doctor. I have something to show you... A) Oh my God! That is disgusting! Get out of my office! Q. Where does wolve live? A. Wolverhampton Q. Where does hen live? A. Hen's Borough Q. What do you call a white crow? A. Seagull Q. What price now? A. Freedom Tony Blair and David Blunkett walk into a bar. They start arguing, then they have a fight. Afterwards David Blunkett says "you only won because I am blind" Q:Raz walks into bar A: People cry and someone is vomited Q. David Guy gets drunk A. He vomits his glasses off Q: Ding stands up in bar and announces he has never been so happy A: David h kisses him and everyone throws confetti Joke involving play on the fact that a rooster is also sometimes called a 'cock'. Q. what makes foetus grow? A. hot sperm Q. Because they fell it Q. Why did Mr Bronson beat Danny? A. Danny was on drugs Q) What does it mean when cows are lying down? A) Cows dead. Q. Why did Mr. Bronson jizz up the common room? A. Mrs. McClusky Q. Why was Adam and Joe created by BadDad's sperm? A. He was 'hot to trot'. Q. Why did Buffalo Bill kill woman? A. So he could make an excellent cloak out of her skin, and put on makeup, and the cloak, and do a sexy dance round the room, while listening to "Alone" by Colin Newman Q. What happen to Thacther? A. dead q. why do qwoman have pube a. keeps vangina warm Q: Why did man haav to pull hard to get stick from cow's arse? A: Cow clenched. Q: What happened to girl's face? A: Pox Q: What did old man say to old woman? A: FUCK OFF Q. a fox kills a hen A. the fox is hungy Q. Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson? A. Look right through me, look right through me Q. Andrew buys pink shirt? A. Andrew is homosexual Q. What is wrong with Stephen Hawking? A. hunchback Q: Half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle? A: Q: what in George Lucas neck? A: spare bowels Q: Trowels! A: Where? Q: Where mark hamill live? A: George Lucas bum Q: HORROR A: RUN! Q: Nun? A: run! Q. What did George Lucas call son? A. George Lucas II Q. George Lucas walks into a pub A. Hilarious results! Q. ChewBacca? A. Han Solo! (Hand Solo) Q: George Lucas makes pun? A: noone laughs Q. knock Knock A. Fuck off Lucas Q. Why did man fall over? A. Man had no ankles Q. Stephen Hawking's lying on the floor A. Albert Einstein pushed him out of his chair! Q: Why did Albert Einstein and Issac Newton get into a fight? A: They didn't because time travel is impossible - ok theoritically it is possible using faster than light travel or using black holes and white holes to form wormholes in space/time, but for the sake of this joke we'll take it that you can't. . .sorry am I still typing? Q. Why did Rupert Mung become fireman? A. Fireman's helmet. Q: Why did the bald man lock himself in his sister's bivouac? A: Q: Why did Dave Stewart faint? A: Cod Q. Wakeman? A: No Q. What happened to the bear with the face like a human woman? A. It blew kisses One was Boris. Two was Boris Boris. Boris. Boris Boris Boris Boris! Q: Why george lucas beard? A: Cold jowls Q: Two men is arrested for the sex in public A: Then much sex in prsion showers. Q: Cockles make a joke A: Everyone is quiet and shuffles around looking at floor until he is gone then mutter 'cock' and go back to having fun. Q. why george lucas cross road? A. dead baby Q: Why did Thompson and Venables abduct Jamie Bulger? A: To rub paint in his eyes, shove batteries up his anus and strangle him to death on a railroad. Q. what hurt Terry Pratchett's head? A. thrown clam Q: Doctor doctor, why do I feel like a chicken? A: I am Harold Shipman. Q: What's a frog's favourite drink? A: Dead milkshake. Teacher: Tommy, who was Anne Boleyn? Tommy: I can see up your skirt. Teacher: Tommy! What an earth are you saying? Tommy: I rape teachers. Q. AIDS A. DEAD Q. What is the worst thing about vampires? A. Vampire Q. What is wrong with Jill Dando? A. Dead Q. What do you if you mix egg with milk? A. Eggmilk Q. What did I have for dinner A. Pasty stuffed with cheese Q. What do I feel? A. Sick q) Shane? a) WARRRNNNNNE Q. Which bear? A. Despair. Q. What caused the London bombs? A. Bombs Q. What is wrong with Brett Anderson? A. Looks ruined due to crack, and gay Q. What causes cancer? A. AIDS Q) What is Luton Town manager Tony Faece's favourite formation? A) 4-4-poo Q. A whale did a poo in the sea. A. It floated to the surface and became France Q) What call dog with one deformed paw? A) Jeremy Beagle (and beard) Q) salt 'n' vinegar crisps make my lips sting A) what do you think about that A) ANSWER ME NOW! A) You haff chapped lips? Q) A man walks into a barre. A) F chord. Q) Several women are gossiping about a friend. A) The friend is nearby and can hear, and fires a rocket launcher into the crowd. Later on in the afterlife, one of the women is heard to say "Her actions were fair and just. She's also got really, really good hair and... I think I loved her..." Q. What happened to Link when he went to the lake? A. A giant owl carried him back to the forest Q. Why does Robert Power have a pay as you go phone? A. Because he is barred for life from Orange, after ringing Orange customer services and telling them he was going to kill and rape them. Q. Why did the binman cry? A. He was chopping onions Q. Why does the binman smell? A. He has irritable bowel syndrome Q) Why did the man squeeze the womans hooters? A) To alert the child playing in the middle of the road! Q. Dr. Dr. I feel like I'm a pair of barmen. A. Well pull yourself a pint together then. The dr. in that jokk is Dr. Who. Q) Doctor! Doctor! I have no hair! A) I... I'm not a Doctor, Jonathan... I'm a bassist in a German rock band... Q. What is worse than rape? A. Murder Q. What do yopu call dog in woods A. wolf Q. what yiu call small lion A. cat Q. What do you call flying mouse? A. Bat Q. What do you call flying bat? A. Duck! stupid botham stop throwing bat! A) Because your fat mom smells of soil. Q) Why did the volcano explode? Q) Why are you punching that saveloy, Mr Chipshop owner? A) Cos I thought you said you wanted a battered sausage! Q. Why did chicken cross road? A. *punchline* Q. I just thought of bst jok ever A. then i forgot it Q) which ass is best? A) mexan ass is best Q. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling? A. Jokks Q. What is wrong with David Homfrey? A. Severe beadling Q: I see what you have done there A: And it is amusing Q. How did my friend drown in a bowl of muslei? A. He was allergic to muslei! Q. Why was Robert Power on national TV? A. Power to the people! Knock Knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interup- Moo! Q. What do you call a child-bearing elf in Blue Suede Shoes? A. Elvish Pregsley! Also what's blue and dangerous which is a whale's cock Q: What's ornage an smelt of cabbage? A: Snoman's pensis! Patient: Doctor Doctor, my toe has turned black! Doctor: Just feed it watermelon and pray it spreads to your cock then. Q: How many spades does it take to change a garden bulb? A: None, since they abolished slavery. Q) Why did the man not go to prison despite pleading guilty to assault and battery? A) Because as the jury retired to consider the case, it transpired that the man was guilty of nothing more than handling a salt (sodium chromate) and a battery (Duracell AA)! Q. What do you call a baby in a microwave? A. Ernbarnard23. Q. What do you call a crow in flight? A. Flight-crow Q. What happened to the deville? A. God threw off his white robe and bummed him to death Q. What is capuchin monkey A. Is small monkey, live in forest Q. Where now lie Jesus? A. Frightening mausoleum Q. What happened to Tony Blair A. Run over by car Why did tony blair kill timmy mallett because he said to look athe camera and say "Blair!" Q. Why Timmy Mallett penis deformed? A. Birth defect Why did man die in freezer? He turned it up to superfreeze and forgot to get out! How does witch fly? drugs! Why did elephant run away from clock? It was super scary clock and ate his children Who is fastest supervillain? Turnip the malevolant why did crow poo? large gaping anus Why Ron cry? Ron explode Where does Luke Skywalker get his chips? Coruscant Q. A black man walks into a bar A. He says "I would like a black man drink please" Q. Barman point to sign behind bar: "sorry, no blacks" A. Black man leaves Q. What is Stephen Hawking's favourite ice cream? A. Wheelchair ice cream Q. Why did Julian Clary push Tony Blair off a cliff? A. Tony Blair had made campness a crime muslim walks into bar jokk ends due to scaredness Q. A Sikh walks into a bar A. Sikhs do not go to bars, they prefer pubs Q. Why did Allah push God off a cliff? A. God had briefly throttled Allah's son, Mohammed Q. Where am I going A. To collect token? Q. Why do you not like Ali G A. Because he is a Jew Q. What is a Jew's favourite drink A. Space drink Q. How much penis does God have A. lots of penis Q. Which is best cheese? A. Emmental Q. Two cannibals are eating a clown A. One turns to the other and says "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK" A2. But he does not hear :'-( Q. what do you get if you cross a muslim with a hindu? A. nothing - they are not christians so they do not believe in crosses Q. Why did Darth Vader throw Palpatine down a well A. Because he had just realised Palpatine was a Jew Q. Why did Mel Gibson? A. Jew said not to Q. What happens if you eat a whale egg A. Happiness Q. What is funnier than holocaust? A. Holocast Q. What is a shark (which does not eat krill)'s favourite food? A. Krill Q. Mel Gibson was running across the road A. A Jew ran over him on a motorcycle, flaying the skin from Mel's buttocks Policeman: 2 cannibaLS were eating a clown? Mel Gibson: It's ok it was jewish clown Q. Doctor, Doctor, there is blood in toilet, painful hair on anus A. I'm afraid you have bum cancer Q. A black man has sex with a white man A. Race and sexuality What does Joanna Lumley have in her tea? orange peel Knock Knock Who's there? doctor who doctor who who? owl Q. A man forces his son to eat an ice-cube A. After his son's funeral, he says "Perhaps I should have been more lenient on my son" Q. What's worse than Mel Gibson? A. Space Mel Gibson Q. What is wrong with Michael Jackon's face A. Nothing, it is beautfiul Q. Look! Water is leaking from her eyes. A: It's what they call tears, it's a sign of their weakness. Q. What do you call a pig that does Karate? A. It is probably best to ask the farmer Q. Why did the celebrity have a computer? A. Child porn Q. Don't touch that, it is dirty A. But the smell is so alluring Q. oh no A. I can't think of any more jokes Q) What do you get if you cross a mint with death camps? A) The polocaust Q: What do you get if you cross a mint with Hitler? A: Minty fresh breath Hitler Q. This is a joke about Jeremy Beadle A. One of Jeremby Beadle's hands is much smaller than the other Q. why simon weston so blemish free? A. ultra facelift! Q. wherein lies hasslehoff super powers? A. mullet! Q. what makes you commit husbandicide? A. blake's seven! Q. Who's your favourite comedian? A. Russell Brand! Q. I am going to tell a joke. A. Here come joke Q. I have had a haircut A. It cost me 8 pouns because the old mans barber shop seems to have closed down and i had to go into a poncey new one which was clean and had proper hairdressers there and even a lady hairdresser and i was scared Q. What call gay metaller? A. Nothing - no gay metallers! Q: What do you get if you kill a nun? A: A chance to take her place in Nunton Q: What do you get if you kill a monk? A: Free beer for life Q: What do you get if you blow-up the embassy? a: Rocket launcher upgrade 40pts Q: Why were U2 all trapped on the outer ledge of a tall building? A: Because Bono's window-cleaning scam had gone horribly wrong! OHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! Q. Simon? Simon? A. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees? Q. Enid? A. I am not Enid. Q. Oh, where is Enid. A. She is over there. Q. Thank you. Q: Who is the bad walking man? A: Legs McBastard! Q) Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! A) Lol! Q. What happened to the man's pensis A. It was tugged off by a sow Q. What happened to trial by fire? A. It was replaced with trial by ice witch due to referendum Q. What happened to the snowman? A. He stayed in his house, crying Q. What do you call a man with a crow on his back? A. Crow-Back Parsons Q. What's in the bag? A. There is no bag. This is all an illusion. Q. The illusion is perfect A. That isn't an illusion, its a Jug-ra with a bag Q. Someone turn the light on A. OK Q. Oh, now it's too bright. I will just use this torch Q. Where are my slippers? A. I fed them to the cat Q. OK, thanks whats green and smells of my only wish to catch a fish so juicy sweet? my only wish to catch a fish so juicy sweet apples Q. What did Biggins put up bum A. Giant vibrator Q. What does yoda from off of star wars have for lunch? A. Space sandwiches! Q. Why chicken cross road? A. Sun exploded! Englishman, Scottishman and forren go into a bar. The englishman asks for a pint of beer, the scottishman asks for a glass of wiskey and then the sun exploded. Q. What happened to the man who retired from the job he had worked at for years A. He was 're-tired' ('really tired') Q. Why do I feel like I'm dying? A. Shut up Q. What happened to Terry Trumpets? A. He was arrested for throttling a child :'-( Q) Why did the woman cry? A) She wasn't crying, she was just yawning! Because she was bored of crying! Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was too beautiful for this earth (the road led into space) Q. What do you call a blown-up skeleton A. Napolean Blownapart Q. Where is the flail A. On the weapons shelf Q. Waiter? A. Actually, I'm Walter Q. What do you call three blocks of cheese balanced on top of each other A. A tower block (of cheese) Q. Are you racist? A. No, I'm Hitler Q. A man walks into a shop and is promptly beaten to death A. The joke is it was a gun shop, and the man was going to buy the gun to shoot himself with, as he had just lost his job! Q) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A) I just remembered that's not a joke. Q. What do you call a man with seaweed stuck to his face? A. AN ABOMINATION