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Gunther's Needle Factory is hiring

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Christmas Terror

Somehow, and from somewhere, another edition of the original Essex Terror magazine has surfaced. This is possibly the greatest archaeological find since the Dead Sea Scrolls.

David N. Guy

Read the full Christmas Essex Terror magazine here

Essex Terror

I found this the other day while searching through my loft. Its possibly the only known copy of the short lived Essex Terror magazine from the late 1980s. All the others were destroyed in a moralistic purge by the authorities in 1990, and everyone involved mysteriously disappeared for the next 15 years, and many of them are quite possibly dead.

David N. Guy

Read the full Essex Terror magazine here

Terminator: Salvation - the script

Resistance Soldier: What kind of terminator is that, John?
John Connor: It's a T-850. It is a significant upgrade to the T-800. The new features are: more gnarled face, and turkeying of the neck. Also now it can tell jokes
T-850: I'm back.
Resistance Soldier: ahahahahaha! ;-)

Read all the script here

A partial archive of things that we sent out as emails in our mailing list
over the years when we were trying to alert people to the fact that goaste had been updated

date: Mon, Apr 25, 2005 at 9:12 AM
subject: Dear Sir or Madam

Recently while perusing the internet I came across possibly the most depraved site ever created. Appalled by this I took solace in, and have since regained my composure.

Yours sincerely,

David McPipehelm (deceased)

Read the rest of them here


When reluctant London photographer and journalist Elvin is sent into deepest Essex to cover an annual New Year's Festival he is not sure what to expect. But he could never have expected to meet

Get all of McBluebeard from here


I stepped carefully into her bathroom and quietly locked the door behind me. Turning my head slowly from left to right, I took in the scene. My palms began to feel sticky. My pulse quickened; I could feel it in my temples. Walking over to her sink, I picked up her toothbrush and put it in my mouth like a lollipop. I sucked at the bristles, hoping to get a taste of her. I put it down, foiled, and stroked the bar of soap next to the hot tap. I rolled it over in my hands, inspecting it closely. Nothing.

Read the rest of this story here

Wolverine: The Movie - The Script

Wolverine looks up his name in a dictionary.

noun 1. Also called carcajou. a stocky, carnivorous North American mammal, Gulo luscus, of the weasel family, having blackish, shaggy hair with white markings.

Wolverine: So Dr X was right. It isn't a type of wolf at all

Close up on Wolverine's face, a single tear welling at the corner of his eye

Read the rest of the script here

A list of the mistakes made by Adolf Hitler

1899 - Tripped over on way to outside toilet, shattering jar of cabbage
1918 - Helped lose Germany the war
1919 - Slight error of perspective on painting of house in field

See the complete list of Hitler's mistakes

Alison Graham
This Christmas with the Radio Times
With Christmas fast approaching, ALISON GRAHAM looks ahead to some of this Yule's telly treats, as well as one or two turkeys not even fit for leftovers.


As Time Goes By - BBC1, 7pm, Christmas Eve

Long-overdue catch-up with Jean, Lionel and the gang in the wonderfully-scripted hour of delightful gentle comedy. 5 years on from where we left them, Jean and Lionel are growing old as ungracefully as ever! Jean goes into a flat-spin when Judith, Alistair and adopted son Ngfy come to stay after their house is flooded, and bring chaos with them! Meanwhile Lionel must face some harsh realities of growing older when he finds Jean's supply of Tena Lady.

Funny, wonderful, moving.

Read the rest of Alison's Christmas preview

goaste production diary

Although it may look to the outside world as if goaste is just hastily produced rubbish, and that we've all spent the summer doing nothing except weep in frustration at the clouds, there is in fact a surprising amount of hard work going on behind the scenes. Our team of highly skilled professionals don't just stumble upon our award-winning jokes and our prize-winning artwork does not just appear from thin air.

Sometimes what you don't see is more important than what you do. It is for that reason that, for the first time, we reveal how goaste gets made.

Read the diary

Doctor Who Series 5 Episode Guide

Episode 1: The Doctor On The Beach - Doctor Who goes to Brighton to fight the Dalek menace. Guest starring Julie Birchill

See the rest of the guide

Sex and the City: The Movie - first draft by Ted H. Vaaakenheimer


A suave WAITER brings over a bottle of water, winks at SAMANTHA, then walks away backwards (film this forwards then reverse it) while whispering secrets

SAMANTHA: Hey you guys

She winks and opens the water, then winks at the camera

HORSE-FACED WOMAN: Hey so this guy i was with he say he too scared-

MIRANDA: Shut up look, isn't that Peldren Meatowl?

In the background the sun grows larger and larger. We see it has a face, the mouth open, contorted in agony. The camera gradually whites out as the girls chat and luagh

Read the entire script

An interviwew with Toby Vok

Multi-instrumentalist and cat enthusiast Vom Vorton recently discovered this short interview he made with Toby Vok in 1997 in his old school bag, along with a rotten banana, some graph paper and a tape containing a number of never heard before or since Toby Vok songs. He contends that this was the last time Toby Vok spoke in public before his mysterious disappearance in 1997, but of this there is no proof except his word and his astonishingly beautiful stare.

Read the interview, and listen to a song

A guide to the episodes of Sliders

Episode 1: The sliders travel to a world where Stephen Fry is a cockney. Mallory blows him up

Episode 2: The sliders discover an Earth where everyone is gay. Mallory blows it up

Episode 3: The sliders arrive on a world that has been inverted. Guest Starring Corey Haim

Read the complete Sliders episode guide

Stalin! - a sitcom

After the huge international success of BBC One's Hitler!, ITV decided to try and compete by commissioning Stalin!. Stalin! starred David Baddiel as Stalin, and Kill Bill's daughter from Kill Bill as Stalin's daughter. Stalin! was a ratings failure, and was cancelled after just 1 episode.

Read the script

Chelsea Charms and me

My friend asks me if I�ve heard of Chelsea Charms. �Is that the new Conran shop?� I innocuously/innocently ask. My friend takes pity on poor, gloriously isolated from popular culture me (Me who enquired at a dinner party, just last week, �Does Amy Winehouse takes drugs, then?� Me who thinks that Tom Cruise is still a good Catholic boy.), and explains that Chelsea Charms is, in fact, not a new purveyor of exquisite talking pieces for the vibrant Chiswick household, but rather the owner of the world�s pair of largest (cosmetically-enhanced) breasts. �Gosh,� I squeak, when Calliope reveals that, at last measure, Charms vitals clocked in at a staggering 153XXX-23-34.

Yes, that was 153XXX.

Read all of this article

Love and a .45!

"Wax my anus!" screams Courtney Love, before hurling herself out of the window of the cab, naked. I look back, my eyes all white at the edges like a dog's when it's scared. She's rolling and rolling down the motorway, arms tightly by her sides.

Read the entire article

I dream of Julie

I kicked the door open and schlepped my bags across the threshold. Something stirred in the artificial darkness of the hallway. �Fuck off, Agamemnon, you heap of bastard � you�ll trip me over.� Onwards to the kitchen I strode purposefully, gratefully dumping the bags on the floor once there, and lifting my hands to inspect the welts of fat between where their taut plastic had cut into my flesh. �Nothing as bad as what Dad had to put up with, Julie!� I rebuked myself as I started to unpack and place my items in the cupboards, eating a sausage roll as I did so, and reflecting further upon the misery wrought upon millions like my father � heroes who had died tiny, insignificant deaths under the oppressive yokes of bourgeoisie. The former shackled until the end by the latter�s vulgar, formless notions of superiority, hidden beneath the repulsive veil of a stiff upper lip. (Like the veils worn by Muslim women, who are really totally oppressed, and yet we protect their foul abusive husbands in the name of liberalism!!!)

Read more of Julie's ramblings

The Simpsons: Exclusive New Season Script Extracts

George Bush is standing beside a big picture of George Bush, which says George Bush on it

Bart Simpson: Hey, are you George Bush?
George Bush: Yes.
Bart Simpson: I love you, George Bush

Read all the exclusive script bits

Living Dole - a sitcom coming soon to BBC3

SPENCER and SHERYL are in bed

SHERYL: Whats that?

SHERYL points down the bed, off camera, in the sort of area that SPENCER's penis might be


SHERYL: That! It looks disgusting.

SPENCER: Its not disgusting

SHERYL: And whats all the brown stuff on it

SPENCER: Chocolate

SHERYL: Yeah, right

SPENCER: It is chocolate

SHERYL: I can't believe how disgusting you are

SHERYL gets out of bed. The camera pans out, and we can see that they were talkint about SPENCER's funion, which is on the duvet in the middle of the bed.

SPENCER picks up the funion and takes a bite. Chocolate smears around his mouth

Read more excerpts of the script

The boy who had too much blood

Simon was a young boy, much like any other. The sort of child you can hardly see, sometimes. If Simon had not suffered from a rare affliction it is doubtful that even his parents would have remembered his name, or his face.

Read the whole tale




David McPipehelm's Musical Express

James Blunt - All the Lost Souls

This album breaks no new musical ground - and is all the better for it. No fan-baiting art school self indulgence like Kid A by Radiohead, this follow-up to the remarkable Back to Bedlam is three quarters of an hour of pure conformity. 10/10

Read more of David's reviews

Hitler! - a sitcom

Girl: Father, can I play in the garden?
Hitler: No

Hitler strikes his daughter across the face

See the rest of the script

Quiz! (for the ladies)

1 - What do you look for in a man?
A) Good looks.
B) A good sense of humour.
C) Intelligence.
D) A fit, healthy body.
E) All of the above!!!

Do the quiz?

The Roger Ebert interviews: #1 George Lucas

George, can we begin?
Hello, Roger.
The questions are welling up behind my eyes, like a froth. Has this ever happened to you, George?

Read the full interview

Watchmen script sneak preview


Tom Cruise as Veidt
Jude Law as Rorschach
Nic Cage as Dreiberg
Ricky Gervais as The Comedian
Jessica Alba as Laurie
And a CGI Christoper Reeve as Jon Osterman and Dr. Manhattan

All the script snippets are here

The complete online journal of Ted Vaaaak

Ted Vaaaak, reported dead in 2005, stunned the literary world last summer when he reappeared on egosalve website . Possibly forgetting he was dead, or maybe communicating with us from beyond, Ted Vaaak's diary ran for an enigmatic few months, before withering away in front of our very eyes.

No one was able to actually contact the shadowy creature during or after this brief explosion of activity, and ever since there has just been an eerie silence. What this means only the Gods can know.

To read the complete journal click here my friends


Read the review

Love in the 90s

He was aware of her mouth, flapping like a singing sock puppet, but it took one, maybe two seconds for his brain to process the sounds emitted from her knotty flap. It wasn't "If You're Happy and You Know It", that's for sure. Hell, it wasn't even "Thanks for the Valentine's gift."
"It's over between us, Jack, O-V-A! You suck, Jack! You suck so bad, you suck wet farts from dying pigeons!"
He got the feeling this evening wasn't going well.
His name was Jack.

Read the whole of this touching love story

Search inside

A complete guide to James Bond

#0: Casino Royale (The Original)

The ORIGINAL (not the new REMAKE, guys!) version of Casino Royale. It wasn't an official James Bond 007 film but it should be in this list anyway as a useful historical document.

#1: Dr. No

"Do you expect me to talk!"
"No Mr Bond 007, because I am Dr. No and answer everything in the negative. That's my gimmick!"

Read the full guide here


Episode 1: A mouth on the face is worth two on the neck

Gyles Brandreth, mild mannered owner of a Teddy Bear museum by day, is an international secret agent by night. This week, Gyles is kidnapped by a shadowy terrorist mastermind, who injects his mouth with a terrifying growth serum. Gyles escapes, but can he find a cure before his mouth becomes too big to feed?

Read the full series guide here

Star Wars IV: What has changed?

In 1997, a ronto was added to this scene to further populate Mos Eisley.

The full list of changes

Star Wars, with commentary by Carrie Fisher

"I didn't feel too bad here. Half a Zanax, 3 Bonophols, washed down with some vodka. Shimmery outlines round everything, but generally rooted in reality. Couldn't remember my lines."

See more

The Illustrated Guide to Gay Men's Bums

This all-purpose bum is a delightful addition to any party.

Read the full guide

M Night Shyamalan's new exciting ironic films...with a twist

THE INFECTED - 2006 (post-production)

Starring John Hurt, Kevin Bacon, Rob Schneider, Reese Witherspoon, Tobey McGuire

Small town gets infected with zombies, and the survivors huddle together, then in a twist ending it ironically turns out that they are in fact dead and all the 'zombies' are living people, trying to reach out sympathetically and hug them, except they keep shooting them!

See more previews here

The Wicker Man

The remake

Oh my fucking god

It's like a fucking joke

Is it a joke? The bit where that bint says "welcome" and Cage's horrible mouth forms into a grin, and the bit where it zooms in on on the evil woman's face, both made me laugh out loud. Also, what? What? Do they worship the devil, or something? Why is it all evil? Why is there a girl with a beard of bees? What's all this supernatural bullshit?

The whole point of The Wicker Man is that despite their weirdness, the islanders are actually profoundly nice people (kind of like the end of Rosemary's Baby), who see the sacrifice as an act of love and a gift, not as a laughlaugh evil thing to do at all.

This is the end of civilisation as we know it. Juxtapose this trailer with the original film; if ever you needed evidence that the last 30 years have heralded the onset of the Stupid Age, this is it

Read it all

A Guide to the enemies of Doctor Who

The Daleks

A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by Davros, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Exterminate!"

The Cybermen

A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by John Lumic, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Delete!"

Read the rest of the guide - and much more - here

Big Brother design 'evil genius'

Designer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has described the new Big Brother house as "the seventh circle of Hell", adding the creator is "an evil genius".

The set - shown to the press ahead of Thursday's launch - was "a lot less well behaved" than previous years, the Changing Rooms host told the Guardian. "In fact," he added, "It�s a kind of frisky felon of a construction, an indestructible former Kaled of a building, an emotionless brick engine of extermination, hell bent on destroying human kind, koala bears and the entire planet�but in building form. This year's big brother house is a veritable child rapist of glass and metal, a transparent Hitler with cramped single beds buried in his anus pipe � Davros made house. I absolutely love it."

Read the rest of the press release here

True Romance 2

Clarence: And have you noticed how every cartoon hero in the eighties was David Hasselhoff? He-man? David Hasselhoff! Optimus Prime? David Hasselhoff! Wiz-bit? David fucking Hasselhoff!
Woman at bar: Wiz-bit wasn't a cartoon, man
Clarence: Fuck you!

Clarence starts shooting

Read the incomplete goaste script archive here

Sibling Rivalry

'Hi there! I'm Iain Banks, the famous author. I've written all sorts of weird, gothic-y books like The Wasp Factory, The Bridge and all that. They're great - maybe you should check 'em out!'
'Oh, hello the noo... I'm Iain Banks' evil twin, Iain M. Banks. I despise my brother, and decided to do something completely different to distance myself from him - I write sort of weird, science fictiony books. I'm completely different to my stupid brother, Iain Banks.'

Read it all

Deus Ex: The Movie - the trailer




...the greatest threat our country - and the world - has ever faced. We, as a nation, must -


Read the rest

An interview with Anne Rice

Here at goaste we're big fans of Anne Rice. We asked her for a quick word about her latest novel

Click here to see what she had to say

Things Mil Millington and I have argued about

by HP Lovecraft

It's nearly my birthday and I saw Mil leafing through the "Past Times" catalogue. What a compleat arsole. We have copies of "How to be a Smug Twat in Latin" coming out of our ears.

Read the rest of this

Lesley Crowther (1933-1996)

Leslie Bonjela Crowther, born Hans Karl Filberflinger (6 February 1933 Munich), was a Nazi Doctor and later a British comedian.

With experience gained during hypothermia experimentation during the Second World War - under the supervision of Dr. Sigmund Rascher at Birkenau, Dachau and Auschwitz - and as a presenter of such programmes as The Black and White Minstrel Show and long-running children's institution Crackerjack (with Dr. Peter Glaze), Crowther was the ideal candidate to take over from Professor Kurt Blome as the host of the long running British game show The Price is Right.

Read the full obituary here

Lift Off!

I have been trying to find evidence of this for ages, because it was so fucking petrifying and scarring. Nobody else seemed to remember it, but now I know it is real. I was scared, because my brain tends to make horrible, horrible things up, things that never really happened, but at least this is real.

"Lift Off!". It was an educational TV programme made by the Australians.

A smiling Aborigine. That's nice enough, almost delightful. Nothing to worry about there...

Witness the full horror here

The Green Mile - a review

Once upon a time it was the 40s. A very big black man, Coofe, sat in a field wailing. In his arms are 2 deaded Elm Street skipping ghost girls. "I tried to take it back!" cries black man. His negroid colouring and ambiguous phrasing suggest e'en now that the twist in the tale is that he did not dunnit.

A man appear. He was once the baddy in something but is the daddy in this. He curse Coofe for killing his daughters. Coofe -> Death Row.

Read the complete review

Snow hits America. Americans 'terrified'

New Yorkers were left cowering in terror this weekend as unprecedented amounts of snow fell from the sky on to the ground. Central Park - a major thoroughfare and favourite commuting route for Americans all over America - suffered a massive 68.3 cm (26.9 inches) of snow. Buff American, an American New Yorker who contacted us, gave us this eyewitness account: "The snow came down suddenly, like the icy rain of death. It was swarming all around and people were starting to panic. We've all been on High Red Alert recently because of all the Terror, and naturally we suspected the worst. What if this 'snow' is just the start of Bin Laden's chemical warfare attacks!"

Terrify yourself completely here


COW wedged ironically in the dairy aisle in between
the milk
and the cheese

face that cow face it down face that cow

I am used to cow being my dinner says a lady backing away rapidly
cow should not be looking at me
she drops her meat and flees

face it! Face that cow!

Cow in the supermarket!

It should not be here

Read it all

Crisps And Snacks Banned

The Government today announced a total ban of the consumption of all crisps, nuts and snack foods in public areas. The legislation is due to be rushed through parliament, and is expected to come into effect in August 2009. John Cautious, the newly appointed Minister for Health, Nutrition and Patronising Laws, announced today that "in today's society, more and more people are choosing to eat high-fat junk foods with poor nutritional value. We believe that people should not be allowed to make choices unless they are good ones".

Read the complete report

Title: Doctor What and the Return of The Garlics
Starring: The Chuckle Brothers
Venue: Various UK Venues
Dates: From March 1st - December 20th 2006

It seems wholly appropriate that I am writing this review now, before I see the production to which it refers. Before you consider this aged critic to have taken leave of his senses, allow me to explain. I have an advantage over my readership: I have recently travelled in time - travelled back to the 27th of January in the year 2006 (or 'today', as you slaves to the god of Greenwich Mean Time like to call it). Apt indeed, for the production in question can trace its lineage right back to the most famous time traveller of them all, Doctor Who.

Please be reading the full review here

Adventures in text #1 - Operation New Life

You are in the lounge.


You can see smoke.

>Look closer

You peer through the thick, acrid smoke. You can see your twelve-year-old brother lying on the floor, unconscious and bleeding. You can hear your sister coughing upstairs.

See the entire adventure

A Cock and Bull Story - a review

Here is my review of A Cock and Bull Story, the film starring Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon, which I just got back from seeing.

Now you might well be asking why I would go to the cinema so early and I might lie and say I like to avoid the queues etc. and it keeps my evenings free but in reality it's because I didn't have anybody to go with and it's less embarrassing to go in the morning.

Oh a text message, excuse me...

Read the rest of the review

Excerpts from Being A Guide to Evil by Sir Winston F Hedrigal
(Dunsholme Associated Evil-Vanquishing Press, 1889)

The Beast - many a good (lobster) friend did I see end his days at the hands of this dreadful creature.

Further excerpts

The Diary of Paul Ruskan

25th April, 2005

"Gav" from CrittyRecords emails me.

Hi Paul

I�ve heard some of your music, and think it is just the thing that CrittyRecords needs. How about we meet, and we�ll discuss putting together a recording contract.



A&R CrittyRecords (Subsidiary of AllOneWordIndustries)

I read the email and consider replying. I decide to make myself sound slightly more important and busy than I actually am.


Thank you for your interest in my music. I am glad you enjoyed the aural treats which I slaved over for many an hour, often whilst in severe need of a haircut and coffee.

Sadly, I cannot meet with you at the moment, as I am in Florence, creating musical instruments from various to-hand materials. Did you know you can make a harmonica out of the more sturdy types of pasta? I didn�t!



A&E Department, Florence General Hospital

Read Paul's complete diary

The Darkness - One Way Ticket To Hell And Back (a song by song review)

1: One Way Ticket

Only 30 seconds in and this album has already made me laugh aloud. It reminds me of those terrible Pan Pipes Moods CDs they used to sell in T.J. Hughes. Just as I�m expecting Nigel Tufnel to come along and start going on about stone �enge the album�s shameful intro fades into what sounds like people snorting coke. I can�t say I�m surprised. Ah now we�re back on familiar grounds, ie: predictable guitar riffs with uninspired drumming and bass. On the positive side I was spared Justin�s overzealous falsetto whining for a full 1 minute and 24 seconds. He also admits that he�s talking rubbish and I have to say I agree.

The whole review is here

David Copper Field (fiction)

'Go you below, my love,' said Mr. Murdstone. 'David2000 and I will come down, together.'

When we two were left alone, he shut the door, and sitting on a chair, and holding me standing before him, looked steadily into my optical sensors. I felt my own circuits attracted, no less steadily, to his human eyes.

As I recall our being opposed thus, face to face, I seem again to hear my cooling fan whirring fleet and loud.

'David2000,' he said, making his lips thin, by pressing them together, 'if I have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with, what do you think I do?'

'I don't know.'

'I beat him.'

Read the whole story

Withnail and I

Hollywood executives have announced that there will be a remake of the classic movie Withnail & I. The original is revered as a classic by many, who will be awaiting the release of this new version with much trepidation, bordering on despair.

Read the full press release

The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time - A guide by Rosy Rockets

My mild brain damage may be traced to the fact that I have completed Zelda approximately six times.

Kokiri Forest

Watch in disgust as a Kokiri with a ginger mop humps a rock.

Read the complete guide

Distressing Video Game Box-art #1

It is not hard to find bad video game box-art, of course. But we looked, anyway

See more rubbish

Shipman M.E. - Episode Guide

"And that's the end of that chapter..."

Episode 1: Go Fight City Hall � To the Death

A young woman is raped and strangled on a Los Angeles beach. Further down the coastline a young boy is shot and arrested for her murder. Shipman doesn't think that it would have been possible for the boy arrested to strangle the woman and decides that he is going to go out and begin a little investigation of his own. He visits City Hall, where the dead woman worked, to ask some questions and, after a little checking, murders everyone.

Read the whole guide here

Ben Elton Presents...

Episode 1: Ben Elton Presents... A Very Blind Secretary

Interior, David Blunkett's flat. David Blunkett is sat in an armchair, eating a pot noodle. His guide dog, Mr. Snuggles, lies at his feet.

Blunkett: I'm bored, Mr. Snuggles. What do you say? Shall we have an early night?

Mr. Snuggles slowly backs away from Blunkett until his rear end is facing the wall. He looks at the camera and winces. *audience laughs*

Read the complete scripts

An interview with Lardpony (interview)

Lardpony are the Derby-based crafters of excellent indie-synthy-pop-type-songs. Are they on the verge of something huge? Like an angry, yet geometrically unconventional, seal?

We sent The Robot Luke Elliott to track down the band's leader, Tom Morton, and find out.

Read answers and listen to music and then read some more answers

An interview with Richard Herring (interview)

For some reason, TV's Richard Herring agreed to talk to us, about things and that. Here is what he said, in response to questioning from young Luke Elliott

Read the whole interview

V For Vendetta script extracts

Evie: I know you can do it, V. The oracle told me that I would fall in love with V. And... I... love... you... so you must be... V...V for Vendetta

V: "I'm not ready for this, Evey!"

Evie: "You have to be ready for this, V...V for Vendetta. I believe in you."

V: "Are you saying I can dodge bullets?"

Evie: "No"

V: "..."
Read the rest of the script

Mike Jones: Claims Negotiator, by Jonesy

Ipswich actually is the worse place ever. In my previous life as Mike Jones Claims Negotiator, I worked in Ipswich for three years. On my first day of work, I smoked a joint in Christchurch Park, alone. I couldn't function when I went back to 'the office' so I had to try something else the next day. The next day I walked around Tower Ramparts looking in windows, wearing a grey suit and eating a packed lunch from a Tesco carrier bag. I wanted to throw the bag away but there was the issue of the spoon � the spoon covered in chocolate from the chocolate mousse my mother had packed and I had eaten. I couldn't put that spoon in the pocket of my grey suit, you see? Claims negotiators don't have stains...

Read it all

The Ninth Gate - a review

I just remembered the worst film ever. It's called The Ninth Gate.

The story follows a dealer of rare books, played by Johnny Depp, who is hired by some weird satanist to find the original "Ninth Gate" book, which is, like, a million years old and written by The Devil, or something.

Read the whole review

Ted Vaaaak (1943-2005)

The decayed remains of now-legendary author Ted Vaaak have been found in a small hut, east of Loughborough.

Vaaaak, the author of works such as "The Last One Finishes 10th", and creator of a series of paintings which were politely rejected by Buckingham Palace, was previously believed to have been killed in mysterious circumstances in Germany, in mid-2005. Eyewitness at the time claim he "Vanished like a slug".

Read the full obituary

Exploding Lips (PC, 2001)

At first you're spellbound by the sight. You blink, but there it is--a huge pair of lips floating about ten feet above the ground. They're bright red, those lips, and they are wearing what you'd have to describe as a cruel smile. And then it starts coming back to you. The Exploding Lips! The invasion from another dimension! The Earth caught unawares, the wholesale destruction as the nations, unprepared for this eerie and deadly invasion, try to fight back against a menace they can hardly understand.

See more

Timecop - a review

I can't believe I have never seen this classic Science Fiction movie before. Basically Jean-Claude Van Damme lives in the space year 2004, and then he has to go back, way way way back through time to the ancient year of 1994 to get this bearded man, and when they get to 1994 his rookie partner, who is 26, says "Just think...I'm celebrating my SIXTEENTH birthday today!" and I nearly fell off my chair in shock at just how amazing a concept this really was...

Read the review

Come to Cuthbert Crowser's Exciting Egg Environment

What a splendid day for a bit of jolly old fun! It may be dull and dreary outside, but here in Cuthbert Crowser's Exciting Egg Environment there's gaboodles of larks to be had, and I've got some special tickets to hand out to all the lucky boys and girls. Unlucky get nowt and be grateful for it, I don't want you defiling my glorious palace with your foul, malformed parts.

Read more about this exciting palace of fun

An interview with Pokey the Penguin (interview)






Read the interview

Ricky Gervais remakes...

Episode 1: Ricky Gervais remakes... Jaws


QUINT: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side: "Ah-So!" Just like that, Chief. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. You know, I think that's where those little yellow devils got the idea for sushi, Hooper? A thousand sailors bobbin' around like so much raw fish...[HE TAILS OFF, LAUGHING]

HOOPER: Yellow?

See the complete scripts

An interview with Steve Aylett (interview)

Read this? Excellent, isn't it? It's an extract from "LINT", by Steve Aylett. Here at Goaste, we didn't know much about Steve, so we decided the best way to find out more was to ask the man himself.

Here's what he said to Luke...

An interview with Peter McConnell (interview)

Like most gamers with taste, we enjoyed playing Grim Fandango. In addition to this, we also enjoyed the excellently jazzy soundtrack. So, a while ago, we emailed the creator of this music, Peter McConnell, to see if he�d answer some questions for Goaste. Astonishingly, he replied and said yes, he�d be glad to answer some questions. So we asked Luke to ask Peter some questions. And not silly ones like �How are you?�, or �What�s your favourite type of cigar?�, but important ones like �How do you get people to pay you to write music?� and ��Which hat is best?�

Read the interview here

Great Hip-Hop lyrics of our time #1 - Crow's Theme by DJ Crow

Yo I'm the blackest crow of all
Got feathers on my ass and on my shawl
When all the seagulls come downtown
I beat their white-ass feathers down

I got bitch-crows all around
They lay my eggs onto the ground
These then hatch into more black crows
Who then crack onto more crow ho's

My feathers glinting in the sun
I can't help thinking s'like I've won
Then from behind I'm shot down low
By the Notorious C.R.O

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Chocolate and the Charlie Factory, by Jonesy (fiction)

It never struck me as a derogatory nickname, at least not until I was much older. I was too young when they gave it to me, too innocent to view it as anything other than a term of endearment. Other kids wore theirs like a badge of belonging: Stilts, Jumbo, Dobba - there were enough pet names at St. Telegraph's Primary School to qualify the place for a zoo. That isn't its real name either, of course: another title bestowed by a former pupil - yours truly, in fact, 15 years after being ferried out of the place for the last time at the tender age of 11, in a Range Rover Discovery (a prototype "Chelsea Tractor", as they'd later come to be labelled).

When the 'old Man' ran out of the closet and away with his solicitor, Daniel; when he blipped off our radar for six months without so much as a goodbye, before turning up in Puerto Benus, naked, purple and swinging from the tan leather belt mum bought him the Christmas before, he didn't just take all our money and the respect of our so called 'friends'. No, he also robbed Mum and me of our Middle England identity cards; without them, we were never going to get back in. And for that I'm eternally grateful.

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The Further Adventures of Iorek Byrnison, by Jonesy (fiction)

This morning I watched Sally's Caught on Tape: Shocking Moments! It featured a woman being attacked by a shark, live on home video. Personally, I'd have shot it differently. At least I would if the industry wasn't such a fucking sham. Got a letter back from Ian Gastor at Fox today: liked my show reel but they don't have any 'suitable projects' for me right now. Grrrr! Suitable fucking projects. Wankers. I can turn a paw to one of their shit mini series without even breaking sweat. Bastard may as well have written "we're not interested in hiring your sort."

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The Master's guide to evil beards

Hello! I'm the final Master. I have no evil beard at all, which is the rubbishest kind of evil beard.

Read more about beards

Lord Geldof Speaks

Electronic charity enforcement bands a risk to human rights, claim campaigners

Lord Geldof's anti-poverty wristbands have been a popular move so far. However, the press launch today for electronic "charity enforcement" neck bands - or collars - has been recieved with suspicion by human rights campaigners. Geldof claims that the �fashionable and stylish� new accessories will help to encourage a �positive attitude to giving� in the nation�s youth. However, critics argue that the neck band - which cannot be removed once activated and delivers a sharp electric shock whenever it detects an uncharitable thought - is a direction violation of personal freedom.

The collars also feature a small black cube that corresponds with the top of the spine when worn. Lord Geldof has promised that the boxes need not be a cause for alarm as they are a �harmless result of the union-supported manufacturing process�, although he does warn that they should never be tampered with under any circumstances, as this will invalidate the warrantee and may result in serious injury.

The charity neck bands go on sale Monday in Sainsburys and HMV stores, priced 14.99 (0.5% of the price will be donated to charity)

(The Guardian, 8th June, 2005)

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The Illustrated Guide To Gay Mens Cocks

A firm but tender cock, with a pleasing aroma and a fruity aftertaste.

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The goaste joke list, part 1

Q. Where does astronaut keep egg?
A. egg cuoboaird

Q: Who started the great fire of London?
A: Ultra Jesus

Q: God walked into bar, and then destroyed it with lightning!
A: Snow joke
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Alan Moore vs Hollywood

Hello! I am Alan Moore. I just wrote From Hell. It is the best book ever written about Jack the Ripper, and London, too
Excellent! Your book is excellent. We will film that. The only thing that needs changing is that we'll make it into a mystery thriller, and not reveal who Jack the Ripper is, and we'll merge the psychic with the fat old policeman, and have him played by Johnny Depp. Also we'll have Heather Graham in it. And we'll film it in Prague, and make no attempt to make it look like we're in London at all. It'll be brilliant.

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HITLER: Good evening my friends. With this device, I shall change the course of the war!


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Letters Page, June 2005

Why do bad things happen to bad people?

B. Vox, Ireland

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My Arch Enemy's The Prime Minister

Scene: A busy pub, in London. John Major sits, alone, at a small table close to the bar. He is sipping from a cup of tea, and occasionally nibbles on a crumbling digestive biscuit. Tony Blair enters.

Tony Blair strides up to the bar, purposefully. He is flanked by two midgets in suits.

Tony Blair: Barman, I would like to order a pot of tea. Three cups, please. Come on, I've got a country to run!

Read the exciting conclusion

And next on ITV1, Dr Whom

Read more about this show

Celebrity Reviews

#1: Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield from �Pulp Fiction� review �Harvest Moon: It�s a Wonderful Life�

James Bond: Licenced to Grill - script extracts

Deep in evil DAVID MCPIPEHELM's lair in Hull

DAVID MCPIPEHELM: And now you die, Mr Bond. Any last requests?
James Bond: Yes, could I have some Chicken Kievs?
DAVID MCPIPEHELM: I don't see why not. I could use the time to tell you my secret plan in detail.
James Bond: Excellent.


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Excellent music videos #1: There There by Radiohead (article)

This has to be the best video ever made by a pop band ever!

Basically: Thom Yorke, looking as mutaated/gorgeous as ever, wanders around this eeeeevil creepy wood, and it's all done in stop-motion animation (if you've ever seen the horribly dark/upsetting animation The Secret Adventures Of Tom Thumb then you'll know what I mean). He happens across some mice smoking pipes, a cat wedding, and then, in a clearing, finds a big coat hanging in the air, glowing with ethereal power. So. He puts it on. Then he notices a tree with a hollow high up in it. And on the tree, eyes closed...CROWS!


Letters Page, April 2005

Does anyone remember this?

Fuck me but did that thing used to freak me out


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New Games Journalism

One day, all game reviews will be poorly photoshopped Calvin and Hobbes cartoons

Final Fantasy X (Playstation 2)

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Super Alan Turing vs Space Hitler


Ask Isambard Kingdom Brunel a bastard question

What ho. Bastard engineering work has dried up lately and I find myself with a lot of bastard time on my bastard hands. So, with the help of my bastard Stovepipe (Hat) of Knowledge, I plan to put my-bastard-self to good use once more. Ask me a bastard question, I'll tip my Stovepipe and Bob's your bastard uncle, a nugget of genuine wisdom and truth will fall forth. Who's bastard first?

Meet Joke Robot version 2

In an attempt to stay ahead of the competition Joke Robot has upgraded. Now fully equipped with the latest in realistic voice synthesis technology, Joke Robot is even funnier than ever. "You'll never catch me, Chat Bot!", says the Joke Robot. He could well be right.

Meet Chat Bot

Chat Bot is the second finest AI in the world. Although he has yet to pass the Turing Test, he recently excelled in his 11+, and is currently studying for his GCSE's at King Edward's Grammar School in Chelmsford. Chat Bot loves to talk, but cannot stand frivolity. His one true enemy is the Joke Robot, and he has vowed to destroy him before the end of the year.

Thrilling Stories (in 30 words or less)

Travelling Home, by Emma Eaton-Smith

The orangutans waited paitently at check-in, their suitcases full of souvenir shortbread and decorative teatowels. They looked disapprovingly over at the caribou, who were being drunk and obnoxious in WHSmiths.

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Doctor Who - Shock Series Ending

Doctor Who is only just back and already its been announced that he's leaving forever, to be replaced by yet another Doctor. So how are the BBC going to handle the sensitive moment of his death and subsequent regeneration. We look at the possibilities...

Meet the Joke Robot

The Joke Robot is the finest modern AI in the world. The first machine to pass the Turing test twice, he knows over 1600 jokes. He enjoys yachting and occassionally wrestles bears for fun.

Codemasters present

A gritty kitchen sink drama:




Mortality, by Fran Read (fiction)

They lie side by side, sheets pulled up tight to their chins. Twin butterbeans, their skin papery and wrinkled. In the failing light of the previous afternoon, she had listened as her husband's breathing rasped and clicked and eventually, painfully, stopped...

Boys and girls come out to play, by Fran Read (fiction)

In the summer, the roads are filled with the shrieks and screams of children playing, the thud of balls on tarmac and the patter-slap of soles slapping the pavement. As the moon hangs pale in the sky and the sun grazes the horizon, the voices bounce off the walls between the terraced houses, echoing in shrill scales and tinny abuse, the throaty edge of tearfulness and the backdrop of bubbling laughter...

Keane and Eggs, by Piter Von Egghelm

Rock-out merchants Keane arrived on the grindcore scene very recently, but already they've had unprecedented success - in March 2004 they were playing in Hull to an audience of nine people - some of whom had physical deformities. Flash forward to November, and they have a fanbase of over 10 billion people - all of whom are completely able-bodied. "We just can't stand physical deformity" laughs big-faced singer Tom Chaplin.

And so you tell me, by Raz (fiction)

And so you tell me. And I wait. And I try to understand.

Outside the glow intensifies, and some of the revellers move away from the boulevard and over to the viewside. I look to you for a moment, and you give a shrug, and then we go too.

I feel like I should be hurting around now. I feel like I should be feeling something...

Britpop - A retrospective, by Matt Dootson

'Britpop' (Brit Pop) was a popular form of guitar-based music which reached its zenith in the mid 1990's. We are still feeling its hangover today, with more bands than ever picking up electrical guitars, and employing a string section to give their mediocre compositions more 'emotional impact'.

Ice, by Fran Read (fiction)

The freeze erodes flesh and burnishes skin dull red. The people here are all angles, jutting cheekbones and collarbones and pelvises, elbows like blades. There eyes are wide with dazzle and in the dull light of their homes their pupils stretch huge and dark....

Doctor Who Scripts

A sneak preview of the new Doctor Who series.

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