goaste

Resistance Soldier: What kind of terminator is that, John?
John Connor: It's a T-850. It is a significant upgrade to the T-800. The new features are: more gnarled face, and turkeying of the neck. Also now it can tell jokes
T-850: I'm back.
Resistance Soldier: ahahahahaha! ;-)

Read all the script here

Wolverine: The Movie - The Script

Wolverine looks up his name in a dictionary.

wolďż˝verďż˝ine
noun 1. Also called carcajou. a stocky, carnivorous North American mammal, Gulo luscus, of the weasel family, having blackish, shaggy hair with white markings.

Wolverine: So Dr X was right. It isn't a type of wolf at all

Close up on Wolverine's face, a single tear welling at the corner of his eye

Read the rest of the script here

Doctor Who Series 5 Episode Guide

Episode 1: The Doctor On The Beach - Doctor Who goes to Brighton to fight the Dalek menace. Guest starring Julie Birchill

See the rest of the guide

Sex and the City: The Movie - first draft by Ted H. Vaaakenheimer

INT. BISTRO. DAY

A suave WAITER brings over a bottle of water, winks at SAMANTHA, then walks away backwards (film this forwards then reverse it) while whispering secrets

SAMANTHA: Hey you guys

She winks and opens the water, then winks at the camera

HORSE-FACED WOMAN: Hey so this guy i was with he say he too scared-

MIRANDA: Shut up look, isn't that Peldren Meatowl?

In the background the sun grows larger and larger. We see it has a face, the mouth open, contorted in agony. The camera gradually whites out as the girls chat and luagh

Read the entire script

A guide to the episodes of Sliders

Episode 1: The sliders travel to a world where Stephen Fry is a cockney. Mallory blows him up

Episode 2: The sliders discover an Earth where everyone is gay. Mallory blows it up

Episode 3: The sliders arrive on a world that has been inverted. Guest Starring Corey Haim

Read the complete Sliders episode guide

Stalin! - a sitcom

After the huge international success of BBC One's Hitler!, ITV decided to try and compete by commissioning Stalin!. Stalin! starred David Baddiel as Stalin, and Kill Bill's daughter from Kill Bill as Stalin's daughter. Stalin! was a ratings failure, and was cancelled after just 1 episode.

Read the script

The Simpsons: Exclusive New Season Script Extracts

George Bush is standing beside a big picture of George Bush, which says George Bush on it

Bart Simpson: Hey, are you George Bush?
George Bush: Yes.
Bart Simpson: I love you, George Bush

Read all the exclusive script bits

Living Dole - a sitcom coming soon to BBC3

SPENCER and SHERYL are in bed

SHERYL: Whats that?

SHERYL points down the bed, off camera, in the sort of area that SPENCER's penis might be

SPENCER: What?

SHERYL: That! It looks disgusting.

SPENCER: Its not disgusting

SHERYL: And whats all the brown stuff on it

SPENCER: Chocolate

SHERYL: Yeah, right

SPENCER: It is chocolate

SHERYL: I can't believe how disgusting you are

SHERYL gets out of bed. The camera pans out, and we can see that they were talkint about SPENCER's funion, which is on the duvet in the middle of the bed.

SPENCER picks up the funion and takes a bite. Chocolate smears around his mouth

Read more excerpts of the script

Hitler! - a sitcom

Girl: Father, can I play in the garden?
Hitler: No

Hitler strikes his daughter across the face

See the rest of the script

Watchmen script sneak preview

Starring:

Tom Cruise as Veidt
Jude Law as Rorschach
Nic Cage as Dreiberg
Ricky Gervais as The Comedian
Jessica Alba as Laurie
And a CGI Christoper Reeve as Jon Osterman and Dr. Manhattan

All the script snippets are here

Brandreth

Episode 1: A mouth on the face is worth two on the neck

Gyles Brandreth, mild mannered owner of a Teddy Bear museum by day, is an international secret agent by night. This week, Gyles is kidnapped by a shadowy terrorist mastermind, who injects his mouth with a terrifying growth serum. Gyles escapes, but can he find a cure before his mouth becomes too big to feed?

Read the full series guide here

Star Wars IV: What has changed?

In 1997, a ronto was added to this scene to further populate Mos Eisley.

The full list of changes

Star Wars, with commentary by Carrie Fisher

"I didn't feel too bad here. Half a Zanax, 3 Bonophols, washed down with some vodka. Shimmery outlines round everything, but generally rooted in reality. Couldn't remember my lines."

M Night Shyamalan's new exciting ironic films...with a twist

THE INFECTED - 2006 (post-production)

Starring John Hurt, Kevin Bacon, Rob Schneider, Reese Witherspoon, Tobey McGuire

Small town gets infected with zombies, and the survivors huddle together, then in a twist ending it ironically turns out that they are in fact dead and all the 'zombies' are living people, trying to reach out sympathetically and hug them, except they keep shooting them!

See more previews here

The Wicker Man

The remake

Oh my fucking god

It's like a fucking joke

Is it a joke? The bit where that bint says "welcome" and Cage's horrible mouth forms into a grin, and the bit where it zooms in on on the evil woman's face, both made me laugh out loud. Also, what? What? Do they worship the devil, or something? Why is it all evil? Why is there a girl with a beard of bees? What's all this supernatural bullshit?

The whole point of The Wicker Man is that despite their weirdness, the islanders are actually profoundly nice people (kind of like the end of Rosemary's Baby), who see the sacrifice as an act of love and a gift, not as a laughlaugh evil thing to do at all.

This is the end of civilisation as we know it. Juxtapose this trailer with the original film; if ever you needed evidence that the last 30 years have heralded the onset of the Stupid Age, this is it

Read it all

A Guide to the enemies of Doctor Who

The Daleks

A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by Davros, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Exterminate!"

The Cybermen

A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by John Lumic, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Delete!"

Read the rest of the guide - and much more - here

True Romance 2

Clarence: And have you noticed how every cartoon hero in the eighties was David Hasselhoff? He-man? David Hasselhoff! Optimus Prime? David Hasselhoff! Wiz-bit? David fucking Hasselhoff!
Woman at bar: Wiz-bit wasn't a cartoon, man
Clarence: Fuck you!

Clarence starts shooting

Read the incomplete goaste script archive here

Deus Ex: The Movie - the trailer

BIG SWOOPY SHOT ACROSS A GENERIC SKYSCRAPERED CITY SKYLINE

INT. WHITEHOUSE:

PRESIDENT MEAD:

...the greatest threat our country - and the world - has ever faced. We, as a nation, must -

LED NUMERICAL DISPLAY HITS ZERO. WHITEHOUSE EXPLODES.

Read the rest

Withnail and I

Hollywood executives have announced that there will be a remake of the classic movie Withnail & I. The original is revered as a classic by many, who will be awaiting the release of this new version with much trepidation, bordering on despair.

Read the full press release

Shipman M.E. - Episode Guide

"And that's the end of that chapter..."

Episode 1: Go Fight City Hall ďż˝ To the Death

A young woman is raped and strangled on a Los Angeles beach. Further down the coastline a young boy is shot and arrested for her murder. Shipman doesn't think that it would have been possible for the boy arrested to strangle the woman and decides that he is going to go out and begin a little investigation of his own. He visits City Hall, where the dead woman worked, to ask some questions and, after a little checking, murders everyone.

Read the whole guide here

Ben Elton Presents...

Episode 1: Ben Elton Presents... A Very Blind Secretary

Interior, David Blunkett's flat. David Blunkett is sat in an armchair, eating a pot noodle. His guide dog, Mr. Snuggles, lies at his feet.

Blunkett: I'm bored, Mr. Snuggles. What do you say? Shall we have an early night?

Mr. Snuggles slowly backs away from Blunkett until his rear end is facing the wall. He looks at the camera and winces. *audience laughs*

Read the complete scripts

V For Vendetta script extracts

Evie: I know you can do it, V. The oracle told me that I would fall in love with V. And... I... love... you... so you must be... V...V for Vendetta

V: "I'm not ready for this, Evey!"

Evie: "You have to be ready for this, V...V for Vendetta. I believe in you."

V: "Are you saying I can dodge bullets?"

Evie: "No"

V: "..."

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Ricky Gervais remakes...

Episode 1: Ricky Gervais remakes... Jaws

SCENE 386. INT. ORCA CABIN. NIGHT.

QUINT: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side: "Ah-So!" Just like that, Chief. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. You know, I think that's where those little yellow devils got the idea for sushi, Hooper? A thousand sailors bobbin' around like so much raw fish...[HE TAILS OFF, LAUGHING]

HOOPER: Yellow?

See the complete scripts

Alan Moore vs Hollywood

Hello! I am Alan Moore. I just wrote From Hell. It is the best book ever written about Jack the Ripper, and London, too

Excellent! Your book is excellent. We will film that. The only thing that needs changing is that we'll make it into a mystery thriller, and not reveal who Jack the Ripper is, and we'll merge the psychic with the fat old policeman, and have him played by Johnny Depp. Also we'll have Heather Graham in it. And we'll film it in Prague, and make no attempt to make it look like we're in London at all. It'll be brilliant.

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SUPER ALAN TURING VS SPACE HITLER

EPISODE 2: HYPOTHESIS OF TERROR

INT. SMOKY BOARDROOM, NAZI MOON BASE. SPACE HITLER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF SENIOR NAZIS

HITLER: Good evening my friends. With this device, I shall change the course of the war!

HITLER WHIPS A CLOTH OFF A TROLLEY IN FRONT OF HIM, REVEALING A CURIOUS DEVICE MADE OF HOSES AND NOZZLES

My Arch Enemy's The Prime Minister

Scene: A busy pub, in London. John Major sits, alone, at a small table close to the bar. He is sipping from a cup of tea, and occasionally nibbles on a crumbling digestive biscuit. Tony Blair enters.

Tony Blair strides up to the bar, purposefully. He is flanked by two midgets in suits.

Tony Blair: Barman, I would like to order a pot of tea. Three cups, please. Come on, I've got a country to run!

Read the exciting conclusion

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