Sex and the City: The Movie - first draft by Ted H. Vaaakenheimer

INT. BISTRO. DAY

A suave WAITER brings over a bottle of water, winks at SAMANTHA, then walks away backwards (film this forwards then reverse it) while whispering secrets

SAMANTHA: Hey you guys

She winks and opens the water, then winks at the camera

HORSE-FACED WOMAN: Hey so this guy i was with he say he too scared-

MIRANDA: Shut up look, isn't that Peldren Meatowl?

In the background the sun grows larger and larger. We see it has a face, the mouth open, contorted in agony. The camera gradually whites out as the girls chat and luagh



EXT. A PARTY IN THE GARDEN OF A MANSION BY THE SEA

CARRIE: I can't believe you invited me here, Mr Curel

BELLVIS CUREL: I invite everyone here, eventually

CARRIE (voiceover): I couldn't believe Bellvis Curel - the Bellvis Curel - had invited me to stand in the garden of his mansion by the sea.

CARRIE: I can't believe you invited me here, Mr Curel

CARRIE and BELLVIS CUREL look at the sea



INT. PULSATING OWL HEAD BUILDING. DAY

MUSCLED YOUNG MAN: I want to touch your bottom, Samantha

SAMANTHA: Don't be disgustng

SAMANTHA: *slap*



INT. HUT. DAY

MR BIG looks enraged, his eyes bulging

MR BIG: Carrie I have brought you here for a reason

MR BIG: I want you to buy these shoes



INT. SEX SHOP. DAY

SAMANTHA: Also what else do you sell?

She licks her lips

SEX SHOP OWNER
: We just sell really big dills

A button on his desk starts flashing red and emitting a klaxon. He presses it. The wall behind him rolls back with a terrifying grinding sound. Behind are racks and racks of enormous, glinting dills.

CARRIE: Samantha let's go I'm frightened



EXT. A GAY MAN'S HOUSE

The gays are mincing around and dancing

CARRIE (voiceover): They say the only man a girl can truly be friends with is a gay man, because gay men are just like girls

A GAY MAN: Shut up!

The gay man slaps CARRIE across the face. Her mouth begins to bleed



INT. BEDROOM. DAY

CHARLOTTE is in bed with her husband, played by KYLE MCLACHLAN.

CHARLOTTE: Let's get married a second time

KYLE reaches into his drawer and pulls out his weirding module

KYLE: ChuuuuuuUK-SA

Her eyes turn white and the bed under her ruptures



INT. RESTAURANT. DAY

CARRIE is eating lunch with her friends. They are: a hunchback dressed in green with bright yellow skin, a woman wearing nothing but a t-shirt that says 'PISS', a woman with a giant, single breast, a humanoid figure in a purple cape, emitting steam, and Beverley Crusher

CARRIE (voiceover): I realised something then. I realised that it doesn't matter where you have your lunch. The most important thing is that you have it with your friends.

The woman with the single breast begins to scream.

CLOSEUP on Beverley Crusher's simpering face, in soft focus



INT. RESTAURANT. DAY

CARRIE: I just couldn't BELIEVE he asked ME to DO that

SAMANTHA: He just wants to mash your breasts. Get over it, girl. Everyone's mashing breasts these days.

CARRIE looks disgusted

MIRANDA
: I remember when my ex asked to mash my breasts. I was sick

CHARLOTTE: What does mashing of breasts entail?

SAMANTHA rolls her eyes, and winks at her bottle of water



INT. CLANGING METAL CORRIDOR. NIGHT

MIRANDA: and then he said he wanted to look at my anus. My anus!

SAMANTHA: it's just an anus, Miranda. Everyone's doing it these days

MIRANDA: I guess I'm not the modern girl I thought I was!

SAMANTHA: You WILL let him look at your anus, Miranda.

She reaches into her handbag and pulls out her Glock. MIRANDA runs away, arms flailing

SAMANTHA: *bang*

In slow motion we see MIRANDA take the bullet, spin three times in the air, her face disappointed and sad



INT. PEGRON TOWER. NIGHT

CARRIE: I can't believe your real name is Gretchen! Gretchen Fulmstauer!

CARRIE begins to laugh like like a crow.

CARRIE: GerrAAAAK gerrAAAAK gerrAAAAK!

SAMANTHA slaps her across the mouth. It begins to bleed



INT. LIFT

MR BIG and KYLE MACHLANACHHANHCA are standing next to each other in a lift

MR BIG: So we meet at last

KYLE MACHLLAHC: Sorry, do I know you?

MR BIG pretends he hasn't spoken at all.

There is 4 minutes of awkward silence. Then, the lift door pings, but does not open. They stand there for a moment. MR BIG looks embarrassed. He attempts to open the doors with his hands. The doors fall away, and he drifts into the void.



EXT. MADISON AVENUE. DAY

SAMANTHA runs down the street, her Manolos in one hand, her Glock in the other, firing and firing. She sees JIM ROBINSON FROM NEIGHBOURS. She shoots his face



CARRIE: Hey, shall we go and get some lunch?

SAMANTHA, MIRANDA and CHARLOTTE are dead


END CREDITS