Sex and the City: The Movie - first draft by Ted H. Vaaakenheimer

INT. BISTRO. DAY A suave WAITER brings over a bottle of water, winks at SAMANTHA, then walks away backwards (film this forwards then reverse it) while whispering secrets SAMANTHA: Hey you guys She winks and opens the water, then winks at the camera HORSE-FACED WOMAN: Hey so this guy i was with he say he too scared- MIRANDA: Shut up look, isn't that Peldren Meatowl? In the background the sun grows larger and larger. We see it has a face, the mouth open, contorted in agony. The camera gradually whites out as the girls chat and luagh

EXT. A PARTY IN THE GARDEN OF A MANSION BY THE SEA CARRIE: I can't believe you invited me here, Mr Curel BELLVIS CUREL: I invite everyone here, eventually CARRIE (voiceover): I couldn't believe Bellvis Curel - the Bellvis Curel - had invited me to stand in the garden of his mansion by the sea. CARRIE: I can't believe you invited me here, Mr Curel CARRIE and BELLVIS CUREL look at the sea

INT. PULSATING OWL HEAD BUILDING. DAY MUSCLED YOUNG MAN: I want to touch your bottom, Samantha SAMANTHA: Don't be disgustng SAMANTHA: *slap*

INT. HUT. DAY MR BIG looks enraged, his eyes bulging MR BIG: Carrie I have brought you here for a reason MR BIG: I want you to buy these shoes

INT. SEX SHOP. DAY SAMANTHA: Also what else do you sell? She licks her lips SEX SHOP OWNER: We just sell really big dills A button on his desk starts flashing red and emitting a klaxon. He presses it. The wall behind him rolls back with a terrifying grinding sound. Behind are racks and racks of enormous, glinting dills. CARRIE: Samantha let's go I'm frightened

EXT. A GAY MAN'S HOUSE The gays are mincing around and dancing CARRIE (voiceover): They say the only man a girl can truly be friends with is a gay man, because gay men are just like girls A GAY MAN: Shut up! The gay man slaps CARRIE across the face. Her mouth begins to bleed

INT. BEDROOM. DAY CHARLOTTE is in bed with her husband, played by KYLE MCLACHLAN. CHARLOTTE: Let's get married a second time KYLE reaches into his drawer and pulls out his weirding module KYLE: ChuuuuuuUK-SA Her eyes turn white and the bed under her ruptures

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY CARRIE is eating lunch with her friends. They are: a hunchback dressed in green with bright yellow skin, a woman wearing nothing but a t-shirt that says 'PISS', a woman with a giant, single breast, a humanoid figure in a purple cape, emitting steam, and Beverley Crusher CARRIE (voiceover): I realised something then. I realised that it doesn't matter where you have your lunch. The most important thing is that you have it with your friends. The woman with the single breast begins to scream. CLOSEUP on Beverley Crusher's simpering face, in soft focus

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY CARRIE: I just couldn't BELIEVE he asked ME to DO that SAMANTHA: He just wants to mash your breasts. Get over it, girl. Everyone's mashing breasts these days. CARRIE looks disgusted MIRANDA: I remember when my ex asked to mash my breasts. I was sick CHARLOTTE: What does mashing of breasts entail? SAMANTHA rolls her eyes, and winks at her bottle of water

INT. CLANGING METAL CORRIDOR. NIGHT MIRANDA: and then he said he wanted to look at my anus. My anus! SAMANTHA: it's just an anus, Miranda. Everyone's doing it these days MIRANDA: I guess I'm not the modern girl I thought I was! SAMANTHA: You WILL let him look at your anus, Miranda. She reaches into her handbag and pulls out her Glock. MIRANDA runs away, arms flailing SAMANTHA: *bang* In slow motion we see MIRANDA take the bullet, spin three times in the air, her face disappointed and sad

INT. PEGRON TOWER. NIGHT CARRIE: I can't believe your real name is Gretchen! Gretchen Fulmstauer! CARRIE begins to laugh like like a crow. CARRIE: GerrAAAAK gerrAAAAK gerrAAAAK! SAMANTHA slaps her across the mouth. It begins to bleed

INT. LIFT MR BIG and KYLE MACHLANACHHANHCA are standing next to each other in a lift MR BIG: So we meet at last KYLE MACHLLAHC: Sorry, do I know you? MR BIG pretends he hasn't spoken at all. There is 4 minutes of awkward silence. Then, the lift door pings, but does not open. They stand there for a moment. MR BIG looks embarrassed. He attempts to open the doors with his hands. The doors fall away, and he drifts into the void.

EXT. MADISON AVENUE. DAY SAMANTHA runs down the street, her Manolos in one hand, her Glock in the other, firing and firing. She sees JIM ROBINSON FROM NEIGHBOURS. She shoots his face

CARRIE: Hey, shall we go and get some lunch? SAMANTHA, MIRANDA and CHARLOTTE are dead END CREDITS