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A list of the mistakes made by Adolf Hitler

1899 - Tripped over on way to outside toilet, shattering jar of cabbage
1918 - Helped lose Germany the war
1919 - Slight error of perspective on painting of house in field

See the complete list of Hitler's mistakes

Chelsea Charms and me

My friend asks me if I�ve heard of Chelsea Charms. �Is that the new Conran shop?� I innocuously/innocently ask. My friend takes pity on poor, gloriously isolated from popular culture me (Me who enquired at a dinner party, just last week, �Does Amy Winehouse takes drugs, then?� Me who thinks that Tom Cruise is still a good Catholic boy.), and explains that Chelsea Charms is, in fact, not a new purveyor of exquisite talking pieces for the vibrant Chiswick household, but rather the owner of the world�s pair of largest (cosmetically-enhanced) breasts. �Gosh,� I squeak, when Calliope reveals that, at last measure, Charms vitals clocked in at a staggering 153XXX-23-34.

Yes, that was 153XXX.

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Big Brother design 'evil genius'

Designer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has described the new Big Brother house as "the seventh circle of Hell", adding the creator is "an evil genius".

The set - shown to the press ahead of Thursday's launch - was "a lot less well behaved" than previous years, the Changing Rooms host told the Guardian. "In fact," he added, "It�s a kind of frisky felon of a construction, an indestructible former Kaled of a building, an emotionless brick engine of extermination, hell bent on destroying human kind, koala bears and the entire planet�but in building form. This year's big brother house is a veritable child rapist of glass and metal, a transparent Hitler with cramped single beds buried in his anus pipe � Davros made house. I absolutely love it."

Read the rest of the press release here

Lesley Crowther (1933-1996)

Leslie Bonjela Crowther, born Hans Karl Filberflinger (6 February 1933 Munich), was a Nazi Doctor and later a British comedian.

With experience gained during hypothermia experimentation during the Second World War - under the supervision of Dr. Sigmund Rascher at Birkenau, Dachau and Auschwitz - and as a presenter of such programmes as The Black and White Minstrel Show and long-running children's institution Crackerjack (with Dr. Peter Glaze), Crowther was the ideal candidate to take over from Professor Kurt Blome as the host of the long running British game show The Price is Right.

Read the full obituary here

Snow hits America. Americans 'terrified'

New Yorkers were left cowering in terror this weekend as unprecedented amounts of snow fell from the sky on to the ground. Central Park - a major thoroughfare and favourite commuting route for Americans all over America - suffered a massive 68.3 cm (26.9 inches) of snow. Buff American, an American New Yorker who contacted us, gave us this eyewitness account: "The snow came down suddenly, like the icy rain of death. It was swarming all around and people were starting to panic. We've all been on High Red Alert recently because of all the Terror, and naturally we suspected the worst. What if this 'snow' is just the start of Bin Laden's chemical warfare attacks!"

Terrify yourself completely here

Crisps And Snacks Banned

The Government today announced a total ban of the consumption of all crisps, nuts and snack foods in public areas. The legislation is due to be rushed through parliament, and is expected to come into effect in August 2009. John Cautious, the newly appointed Minister for Health, Nutrition and Patronising Laws, announced today that "in today's society, more and more people are choosing to eat high-fat junk foods with poor nutritional value. We believe that people should not be allowed to make choices unless they are good ones".

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Ted Vaaaak (1943-2005)

The decayed remains of now-legendary author Ted Vaaak have been found in a small hut, east of Loughborough.

Vaaaak, the author of works such as "The Last One Finishes 10th", and creator of a series of paintings which were politely rejected by Buckingham Palace, was previously believed to have been killed in mysterious circumstances in Germany, in mid-2005. Eyewitness at the time claim he "Vanished like a slug".

Read the full obituary

Lord Geldof Speaks

Electronic charity enforcement bands a risk to human rights, claim campaigners

Lord Geldof�s anti-poverty wristbands have been a popular move so far. However, the press launch today for electronic �charity enforcement� neck bands - or collars - has been recieved with suspicion by human rights campaigners. Geldof claims that the �fashionable and stylish� new accessories will help to encourage a �positive attitude to giving� in the nation�s youth. However, critics argue that the neck band - which cannot be removed once activated and delivers a sharp electric shock whenever it detects an uncharitable thought - is a direction violation of personal freedom.

The collars also feature a small black cube that corresponds with the top of the spine when worn. Lord Geldof has promised that the boxes need not be a cause for alarm as they are a �harmless result of the union-supported manufacturing process�, although he does warn that they should never be tampered with under any circumstances, as this will invalidate the warrantee and may result in serious injury.

The charity neck bands go on sale Monday in Sainsburys and HMV stores, priced �14.99 (0.5% of the price will be donated to charity)

(The Guardian, 8th June, 2005)

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