|Resistance Soldier: What kind of terminator is that, John?
John Connor: It's a T-850. It is a significant upgrade to the T-800. The new features are: more gnarled face, and turkeying of the neck. Also now it can tell jokes
T-850: I'm back.
Resistance Soldier: ahahahahaha! ;-)
|Wolverine looks up his name in a dictionary.
noun 1. Also called carcajou. a stocky, carnivorous North American mammal, Gulo luscus, of the weasel family, having blackish, shaggy hair with white markings.
Wolverine: So Dr X was right. It isn't a type of wolf at all
Close up on Wolverine's face, a single tear welling at the corner of his eye
|Episode 1: The Doctor On The Beach - Doctor Who goes to Brighton to fight the Dalek menace. Guest starring Julie Birchill
|INT. BISTRO. DAY
A suave WAITER brings over a bottle of water, winks at SAMANTHA, then walks away backwards (film this forwards then reverse it) while whispering secrets
SAMANTHA: Hey you guys
She winks and opens the water, then winks at the camera
HORSE-FACED WOMAN: Hey so this guy i was with he say he too scared-
MIRANDA: Shut up look, isn't that Peldren Meatowl?
In the background the sun grows larger and larger. We see it has a face, the mouth open, contorted in agony. The camera gradually whites out as the girls chat and luagh
|Episode 1: The sliders travel to a world where Stephen Fry is a cockney. Mallory blows him up
Episode 2: The sliders discover an Earth where everyone is gay. Mallory blows it up
Episode 3: The sliders arrive on a world that has been inverted. Guest Starring Corey Haim
|After the huge international success of BBC One's Hitler!, ITV decided to try and compete by commissioning Stalin!. Stalin! starred David Baddiel as Stalin, and Kill Bill's daughter from Kill Bill as Stalin's daughter. Stalin! was a ratings failure, and was cancelled after just 1 episode.
|George Bush is standing beside a big picture of George Bush, which says George Bush on it
Bart Simpson: Hey, are you George Bush?
George Bush: Yes.
Bart Simpson: I love you, George Bush
|SPENCER and SHERYL are in bed
SHERYL: Whats that?
SHERYL points down the bed, off camera, in the sort of area that SPENCER's penis might be
SHERYL: That! It looks disgusting.
SPENCER: Its not disgusting
SHERYL: And whats all the brown stuff on it
SHERYL: Yeah, right
SPENCER: It is chocolate
SHERYL: I can't believe how disgusting you are
SHERYL gets out of bed. The camera pans out, and we can see that they were talkint about SPENCER's funion, which is on the duvet in the middle of the bed.
SPENCER picks up the funion and takes a bite. Chocolate smears around his mouth
|Girl: Father, can I play in the garden?
Hitler strikes his daughter across the face
Episode 1: A mouth on the face is worth two on the neck
Gyles Brandreth, mild mannered owner of a Teddy Bear museum by day, is an international secret agent by night. This week, Gyles is kidnapped by a shadowy terrorist mastermind, who injects his mouth with a terrifying growth serum. Gyles escapes, but can he find a cure before his mouth becomes too big to feed?
"I didn't feel too bad here. Half a Zanax, 3 Bonophols, washed down with some vodka. Shimmery outlines round everything, but generally rooted in reality. Couldn't remember my lines."
|THE INFECTED - 2006 (post-production)
Starring John Hurt, Kevin Bacon, Rob Schneider, Reese Witherspoon, Tobey McGuire
Small town gets infected with zombies, and the survivors huddle together, then in a twist ending it ironically turns out that they are in fact dead and all the 'zombies' are living people, trying to reach out sympathetically and hug them, except they keep shooting them!
|Oh my fucking god
It's like a fucking joke
Is it a joke? The bit where that bint says "welcome" and Cage's horrible mouth forms into a grin, and the bit where it zooms in on on the evil woman's face, both made me laugh out loud. Also, what? What? Do they worship the devil, or something? Why is it all evil? Why is there a girl with a beard of bees? What's all this supernatural bullshit?
The whole point of The Wicker Man is that despite their weirdness, the islanders are actually profoundly nice people (kind of like the end of Rosemary's Baby), who see the sacrifice as an act of love and a gift, not as a laughlaugh evil thing to do at all.
This is the end of civilisation as we know it. Juxtapose this trailer with the original film; if ever you needed evidence that the last 30 years have heralded the onset of the Stupid Age, this is it
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by Davros, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Exterminate!"
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by John Lumic, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Delete!"
|Clarence: And have you noticed how every cartoon hero in the eighties was David Hasselhoff? He-man? David Hasselhoff! Optimus Prime? David Hasselhoff! Wiz-bit? David fucking Hasselhoff!
Woman at bar: Wiz-bit wasn't a cartoon, man
Clarence: Fuck you!
Clarence starts shooting
BIG SWOOPY SHOT ACROSS A GENERIC SKYSCRAPERED CITY SKYLINE
...the greatest threat our country - and the world - has ever faced. We, as a nation, must -
LED NUMERICAL DISPLAY HITS ZERO. WHITEHOUSE EXPLODES.
|Hollywood executives have announced that there will be a remake of the classic movie Withnail & I. The original is revered as a classic by many, who will be awaiting the release of this new version with much trepidation, bordering on despair.
|Episode 1: Go Fight City Hall � To the Death
A young woman is raped and strangled on a Los Angeles beach. Further down the coastline a young boy is shot and arrested for her murder. Shipman doesn't think that it would have been possible for the boy arrested to strangle the woman and decides that he is going to go out and begin a little investigation of his own. He visits City Hall, where the dead woman worked, to ask some questions and, after a little checking, murders everyone.
|Interior, David Blunkett's flat. David Blunkett is sat in an armchair, eating a pot noodle. His guide dog, Mr. Snuggles, lies at his feet.
Blunkett: I'm bored, Mr. Snuggles. What do you say? Shall we have an early night?
Mr. Snuggles slowly backs away from Blunkett until his rear end is facing the wall. He looks at the camera and winces. *audience laughs*
|Evie: I know you can do it, V. The oracle told me that I would fall in love with V. And... I... love... you... so you must be... V...V for Vendetta
V: "I'm not ready for this, Evey!"
Evie: "You have to be ready for this, V...V for Vendetta. I believe in you."
V: "Are you saying I can dodge bullets?"
|SCENE 386. INT. ORCA CABIN. NIGHT.
QUINT: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into her side: "Ah-So!" Just like that, Chief. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. You know, I think that's where those little yellow devils got the idea for sushi, Hooper? A thousand sailors bobbin' around like so much raw fish...[HE TAILS OFF, LAUGHING]
|Hello! I am Alan Moore. I just wrote From Hell. It is the best book ever written about Jack the Ripper, and London, too
|Excellent! Your book is excellent. We will film that. The only thing that needs changing is that we'll make it into a mystery thriller, and not reveal who Jack the Ripper is, and we'll merge the psychic with the fat old policeman, and have him played by Johnny Depp. Also we'll have Heather Graham in it. And we'll film it in Prague, and make no attempt to make it look like we're in London at all. It'll be brilliant.
|INT. SMOKY BOARDROOM, NAZI MOON BASE. SPACE HITLER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF SENIOR NAZIS
HITLER: Good evening my friends. With this device, I shall change the course of the war!
HITLER WHIPS A CLOTH OFF A TROLLEY IN FRONT OF HIM, REVEALING A CURIOUS DEVICE MADE OF HOSES AND NOZZLES
|Scene: A busy pub, in London. John Major sits, alone, at a small table close to the bar. He is sipping from a cup of tea, and occasionally nibbles on a crumbling digestive biscuit. Tony Blair enters.
Tony Blair strides up to the bar, purposefully. He is flanked by two midgets in suits.
Tony Blair: Barman, I would like to order a pot of tea. Three cups, please. Come on, I've got a country to run!
|Deep in evil DAVID MCPIPEHELM's lair in Hull
DAVID MCPIPEHELM: And now you die, Mr Bond. Any last requests?
James Bond: Yes, could I have some Chicken Kievs?
DAVID MCPIPEHELM: I don't see why not. I could use the time to tell you my secret plan in detail.
James Bond: Excellent.
|INT. SPACE HITLER'S SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKER ON HIS SPACE STATION. HE'S SITTING ON A HIGH GANTRY IN FRONT OF A HUGE BANK OF MONITORS. ON ONE OF THEM, WE SEE AN IMAGE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL, SITTING IN A BIG LEATHER ARMCHAIR SMOKING A CIGAR
|Doctor Who is only just back and already its been announced that he's leaving forever, to be replaced by yet another Doctor. So how are the BBC going to handle the sensitive moment of his death and subsequent regeneration. We look at the possibilities...